


(there's gotta be) More To Life

by DisasterSoundtrack



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Domestic, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Kid Fic, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Phanfiction, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-15
Updated: 2017-07-03
Packaged: 2018-10-19 08:20:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 23,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10635984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DisasterSoundtrack/pseuds/DisasterSoundtrack
Summary: Dan Howell finally gets a dog he dreamt of. Walking the dog every morning, he discovers many things about his neighbourhood, but, above all, one particularly attractive dad.





	1. Prologue

Dan stirred awake sometime around dawn, woken up by a wet tongue being shoved in his ear. Dan might have had some weird kinks, but being vigorously tongued in the ear wasn’t one, so he grunted and opened his eyes, gently pushing away the small perpetrator.

“Ten more minutes, Zelda, I’m literally begging you.”

The dog didn't give up and started jumping on Dan’s chest instead, licking everywhere she had access to, which was Dan’s neck and jaw, mostly. Then Zelda yelped and Dan decided he’s had enough.

“Okay, you little spawn of Satan. I’ll take you for a walk now, but then you’ll let me work a bit, alright? And it won’t be like yesterday.”

The puppy looked at Dan intently, but its eyes were void as it tilted its head to the right, pointy ears listening to Dan’s familiar voice. Dan rolled off his bed, Zelda jumping to the floor with enthusiasm Dan could only envy that early in the morning, and they both got ready to start the day. The sun was climbing into Dan’s bedroom, flooding the monochromatic room with soft light.

Dan dreamt of getting a shiba inu for years. When the adorable breed became a meme and therefore suddenly extremely popular, Dan’s living arrangements didn’t allow him to adopt one. He had to settle for watching Youtube videos and jolting down name ideas for the future puppy he was definitely going to get one day. But now there he was, 26 years old, in a (small) house of his own, with a steady income from his job as a music journalist that allowed him to work from home a lot. There he was, putting on his nicest sweatpants and unreasonably expensive sneakers while little Zelda tried to nibble on his ankles. “Okay, okay, you crazy creature, let’s go. Maybe we’ll find some birds to chase.”

They didn’t find that many birds to chase, but they found something else. Ever since Dan started walking Zelda, he discovered his neighbourhood completely anew. There were tiny marble fountains in little forgotten corners, flower pots with plants in full bloom, since May has recently began, and it all made for some very aesthetic Instagram photos, especially if he could make Zelda sit still for a second and pose in front of something. He watched people rush to work before 8am, a blonde woman breaking her heel once and swearing like the end of the world. Dan silently observed the early morning life he was never really part of going on around him, amused, the cars passing by, the corner bakery spreading the delicious smell of buns and cupcakes, and he picked Zelda up, walked into the bakery and walked out with a delicious pistachio muffin he nibbled on while watching his dog trying to smell everything.

He passed a playground, a bright pink backpack abandoned by a swing where a girl in a ponytail was laughing, her dad pushing her carefully. It was like a picture straight from a fairytale, the morning sun dancing on the faces of the two, father and daughter who have probably stopped for a cheeky swing on their way to school. From what Dan could see, the dad was kinda hot. At this very moment though, Zelda decided it’s creepy to stare and decidedly pulled on her leash, dragging Dan away.

In all fairness though, she did let him do some work in the afternoon.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one with a run down the hill, a fellow nerd and a late night text.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've made [A PLAYLIST](https://open.spotify.com/user/1168369167/playlist/7MGPM3nBrW6fGUQczPFTSe) you can listen to as you read the story. I will be adding songs to it as I write!
> 
> And [ HERE ](http://imgur.com/a/2KtR5) is some incredible art for this chapter, by the talented [Wednesday!](http://wednesdayangeline.tumblr.com)

_Don’t you just love when everything goes to hell lightning fast?_

Okay, Dan might’ve been busy trying to take a perfect selfie while Zelda’s leash just slipped from underneath his shoe he was holding it with, the puppy surprisingly strong for her age. Dan’s first instinct was to freak out, throw his phone into his pocket blindly and run after the dog, which was halfway down the hill leading to a pond in a local park they were currently in. There were too many bushes, trees and randomly placed benches and not only did Dan nearly trip _twice_ , he also quickly lost sight of Zelda. He reached the bottom of the hill, finally, pushing his hair away from his eyes and forehead and wiping away drops of sweat. Still no sight of the dog. _Amazing, Dan. Only you would manage to lose a dog not even two weeks into owning it._

“Zelda! Zelda, you stupid dog, come here!”

Okay, she did have a microchip and a nametag with Dan’s address. This couldn't be that bad, so Dan tried to reason with his anxiety, which kept suggesting that Zelda probably ran away to the streets already and got hit by a car, or, who the hell even knows, drowned in the park pond because Dan didn’t teach her to swim yet. Dan walked around the pond, dangerously close to a major freakout, until he noticed a little ginger girl kneeling on the grass, patting a puppy’s belly. The puppy had cream-colored fur, all paws up in the air and its mouth wide open while it was being pet. That small traitor.

Dan all but ran in their direction, feeling both relieved and like he had to sit down for a very, very long time. That was, until a tree stopped obscuring part of the view and he saw who was accompanying the girl. Her dad, probably. The handsome man from the playground a couple days ago. He was tall, so tall and lanky, his pale skin a contrast to his black hair, and he was wearing a navy blue button up. Dan stopped in his tracks, within earshot of their conversation, forcing his tired and unfit heart to slow down.

“She is so cute! Look! Can we keep her, daddy?”

The man laughed, pushing the tip of his tongue between his teeth, eyes crinkling. _Adorable_ , thought Dan, pretty sure he would love to call this man “daddy” as well.

In a distinctly different setting, though.

“We can’t, sweetie. She’s got a tag on her collar. Somebody is definitely looking for her.”

“That would be me.” Dan decided that was his cue. He stepped closer to the man and his daughter, hand running through his fringe absentmindedly. His hairstyle was probably ruined from the sweat caused by running anyway. “Sorry. Hope she didn’t bother you too much.”

“Bother? Are you kidding? Josie loved her on sight.” The man spoke in a deep, soothing voice that caused Dan’s knees to almost bend.

Josie, who couldn’t be more than seven years old, looked up at Dan, a bright smile on her face just as honest as her dad’s, light ginger hair spilling on her arms while she continued to pet Zelda’s belly. “She is the sweetest dog ever! What’s her name?”

“Zelda,” said Dan, breathlessly, wishing he could control himself for once.

“Seriously? Like -” The man looked at Dan, their gazes crossing in a moment that nearly felt electric. His eyes were a vibrant, bright shade of blue and Dan really, really wanted to hold onto something, but he didn’t even have Zelda’s leash to squeeze. “Is that possible? Are you a fellow nerd?”

Dan chuckled, still slightly breathless. “Are you kidding me? I’ve spend the entire month of March holed up in my living room playing _Breath of The Wild_ on the Switch.”

“Wow. Okay. What do you think, then? I didn’t like it as much as the DS games, I don’t know…”

They continued the casual, but engaging conversation about The Legend Of Zelda until Dan felt his dog trying to climb his ankle, bringing him back to reality. He could feel his cheeks burning for no apparent reason, except that this very attractive man was apparently fascinated by the same things Dan was, and extremely easy to talk to. Dan was certain he never met anyone who was so his type before.

“Oh my God, sorry for keeping you. Josie, come on, the puppy needs to go now, and we’ll be going too.”

Josie stood next to Zelda, scratching her behind the ear, a sad expression on her face. “But, dad…”

“It’s okay,” Dan said, since he was definitely not ready for a goodbye just yet. “We can walk Zelda around the pond for a while if you want. You can hold her leash, Josie. If that’s alright?” Dan looked up at the girl’s father, who was smiling.

“Of course. That’s very nice of you.”

Josie jumped of joy and took the leash, Dan quickly showing her how to hold it correctly, and Zelda eagerly followed the little girl around the pond, while the two men stayed a few steps behind.

“I’m Dan, by the way,” he extended a hand to the man, who took it and shook firmly, but not too firmly.

“Phil. Nice to meet you.”

Phil smiled with his slightly crooked teeth and Dan’s imagination was already carrying him to the darkest places. He allowed his eyes to linger on Phil’s left hand for a while, searching for a ring.

There wasn’t one. _That doesn’t have to mean anything, slow down, Howell, Jesus Christ._

Dan’s imagination decided the next appropriate question to ask would be _Do you come here often?_ , but he bit his tongue, forcefully. “So how old is Josie?”

“How long have you had Zelda?” Phil asked at the same time, which resulted in both of them laughing. “Okay, you go first, Dan.” Phil casually touched Dan’s forearm, just a meaningless gesture, but still one that made tiniest of Dan’s hairs stand up.

“I just wanted to know how old Josie was. I always have trouble telling kids’ age.”

“She’s almost eight. She’s in Year 3.” Phil fondly looked at his daughter, who found a yellow flower in the grass and was now letting Zelda sniff it.

“Alright. What was your question?”

“How long have you had Zelda? She seems tiny.”

“She’s 12 weeks old. I’ve had her for two weeks. She’s the first dog I’ve had on my own, so I’m still learning. The hard way, as you can see.”

“Ah, I don’t think you’re that bad, she’s just a very energetic dog. Josie has been pestering me about a pet for ages now, but I don’t think she’s old enough to handle the responsibility, and I doubt I could manage a kid _and_ an animal by myself, you know?”

 _By myself._ So Phil was a single father after all. Dan had no reason to suspect that before, no reason but a strong _feeling_ , but now he had a confirmation and suddenly the world around him seemed a shade brighter.

“Yeah, I mean, if you ever need a babysitter, Zelda seems to be doing a great job,” said Dan, only half-jokingly, since Zelda was currently rolling in the grass with Josie. “No, but seriously. Give me a call and we can take a walk together. Or I can just take Josie, if you want to, like, chill. I mostly work from home anyway, so I’ve got time.”

Dan wanted to backtrack as soon as he realized what he just said. Why would Phil, a responsible single father, ever trust a random guy from the park to take care of his daughter? Especially after witnessing that Dan couldn’t even take care of his dog properly?

“Actually, it’s not a bad idea at all.” Phil, however, shrugged, pulled out his phone, unlocked it and handed to Dan. “Give me your number, please? You live somewhere nearby, right?”

Dan’s stupid fat fingers couldn't even hit the number 6 with accuracy. “Yeah, just down the street.”

“Great! We live on the other side of the park and… well, I think we need to run. There’s some homework waiting to be done before I have to go to work.” Phil laughed, again, sliding his sunglasses from the top of his head to his nose. “Josie! We’re leaving. Please give Zelda back to her human.”

Something about the way Phil said this sentence was so warm and straight up adorable that Dan grinned, all teeth on display and unable to stop even when Josie pouted slightly when she handed him Zelda’s leash back.

“Am I ever going to see her again?”

“Sure! If you want to. Just let me know.”

“We will!” Phil said, taking Josie’s hand. “It was nice meeting you, Dan. Say goodbye, Josie.”

“Goodbye, Zelda’s human!”

Zelda pulled on her leash when Phil and Josie went their way, wanting to run after them. “I know girl, I know,” Dan said, kneeling next to his dog to pet her. “Same.”

***

Dan went to bed early by his standards: past 1 AM, after writing three reviews and feeling sand beneath his eyelids. But as soon as his head hit the pillow, the sleepiness was gone and all he could think about was Phil, the soft skin of Phil’s hand, the way his dark hair fell on his forehead, his open, darling manner of laughing and the way he was gentle around his daughter.

_Ugh, Howell. Get over it. Like you weren’t pathetic enough without a crush on a stranger._

Dan reached for his phone, wanting to find some music that would put him to sleep, but before he opened iTunes, he got a text message. From an unknown number.

 **Unknown:** Did you know: in dog world, humans are elves who routinely live to be 500+ years old.

 **Dan:** ...Phil?

There was no other explanation. It must’ve been a text from Phil, and if Dan was correct, he was one very happy man tonight.

 **Unknown:** Correct! You win a dog!

**Dan:** I already got one! what are you doing up that late btw?

**Phil:** Just came back from work. I host an evening radio show.

A radio show? With that voice, Dan wasn’t surprised in the slightest. He was only mildly confused that Phil and him both worked in the music world, but their paths have never crossed before.

**Dan:** that’s some upper level stuff. what radio?

**Phil:** BBC Radio One

**Dan:** ...i’m speechless tbh

**Phil:** Omg don’t be! I have a funny story of how I got that gig, if you want to hear it sometime.

_Life is what you make of it_ , Dan’s parents always used to say, so, stubbornly, Dan never believed it. But, in this quiet moment in his bedroom, fully aware of Phil’s presence on the other side of the connection, living, breathing and so, so warm, Dan wanted for once to take his destiny into his own hands and not just wait on the sidelines, waiting for the wave to sweep him.

**Dan:** I’m not doing anything right now, want to grab a drink?

Dan could feel his heart beating in his throat, in his mouth, in the blood roaring in his ears while he waited for Phil’s answer. A minute seemed like forever and tapping his fingers angrily on the back of his phone didn’t seem to help. 

**Phil:** Can’t :( Josie’s sitter went home already. Rain check?

Aaaand there went all of Dan’s hopes and expectations. His sudden bravery was now standing in the corner, making fun of him.

**Dan:** Rain check it is. Goodnight!

**Phil:** Night, Dan! 

Still, that was better than nothing; they had an actual (text) conversation that Dan read over three more times just to catch all of Phil’s adorable quirks, his liberal use of emojis and correct grammar. If Dan had a subtle crush before, now he had an actual, legit crush on the guy, and the fact that he didn’t want to see Dan tonight didn’t help at all.

_ This guy is a father. A responsible adult, unlike you, you big pretender. Be reasonable for once. _

Not willing to argue with the voice in his head, Dan put on some calm music and finally went to sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one with a realization, a drink of choice and some dark desire.

Phil loved a girl, once, a long time ago.

She was the force that pushed his life forwards. She was like the sun, blazing, powering on through the windows, her thin, strong body gluing onto Phil’s on a narrow bed in the student home they lived in then. She was shameless kisses in the pouring rain and she was the dark clouds approaching as she burned toast at six in the morning and had a drink by herself at six every afternoon.

They lived, for years. First they lived together, like no two other people ever were together, and then they just lived, still next to each other and Phil talked a lot, but she never really replied.

Then they had Josie, and Phil was as happy as he was terrified, and he could feel that something was wrong and getting worse and worse every day, but he couldn’t fix everything by himself. He didn’t even know what exactly was broken.

Until one day the girl he loved, or maybe used to love, told him she’s leaving, and leaving alone. And she left, like it cost her nothing, or even less.

Ever since it’s been just Josie and Phil. Other people came around sometimes, but never really stayed for long. Phil preferred it that way. He didn’t want Josie to get too attached, at least that was how he explained things to himself.

That morning Phil dropped Josie off at school, did some shopping and then sat down to do some research for his radio show. The house needed cleaning, there was a parent-teacher conference on Friday, an art project Josie couldn’t finish by herself waiting to be done, but Phil couldn't focus on anything, not even his work, thinking how he just turned 30 and somehow became the stereotype of old and boring and a dead man walking, good, proper and responsible. When the hell did that happen? _How_ the hell did that happen?

He pushed away his laptop. He thought about Dan, the no-longer-stranger from the park who responded to Phil’s text within 30 seconds. Dan could have been a promise of something. Maybe something dangerous, maybe an adventure, maybe just something _new_. Dan smiled like he was trying to hold back emotions but failed, Dan had a funny dog and probably more warmth in himself than he’d ever admit.

But Dan was also hot, fucking hot. He wore fashionable sunglasses and had this lazy carelessness about him. He didn’t say a word about his job, but all signs pointed to him being rich or at least well-off, and somewhat younger than Phil. He was way out of Phil’s league.

He was a challenge.

Phil imagined pushing Dan against the wall and running a lazy, slow hand up his thigh. He imagined biting down on Dan’s neck, Dan’s fingers curling around Phil’s bicep and then a kiss, long and slow and earned and hungry.

Phil imagined. And then he picked up his phone.

 **Phil:** Bad time for a drink?

 **Dan:** there’s never a bad time. text me the location

Phil might’ve been old and boring, but Dan- Dan wasn’t.

***

It was 11 in the morning and Dan woke up half an hour ago, but now he was on the way to Phil’s house, without any idea what was going to happen and what he had agreed to. There wasn’t enough time to straighten his hair properly; hell, there wasn’t enough time to find the t-shirt he wanted to wear, so he grabbed the nearest black one and put it on. He didn’t really trust Zelda to stay by herself yet, because the last time she did, she somehow found a roll of toilet paper and tore it to shreds. He worried what could get destroyed next, but he had to risk it. There was Phil on the line. Dan made Zelda promise to behave, kissed her snoot and left, hoping for the best.

It seemed like quite an uncomfortable time for a drink (which, to Dan’s understanding, meant alcohol), but who was he to argue with Phil? He would take every opportunity and a half to see the other man again.

The address Phil sent was just a ten minute walk away. It was a house, Phil’s house. It was pretty non-descript, not that different than Dan’s, although slightly bigger, and the outside walls were a nice shade of cream. Dan climbed two steps to the door and checked himself out in the screen of his phone before ringing the bell.

_This is not a date, Howell. Jesus. Get it together._

Phil opened almost immediately, like he was waiting right behind the door. “Okay, Dan, I guess I didn't think this through. It’s eleven in the morning and I have to drive a car later. I know I suggested drinks, so I take all the blame.”

“Uhm… hi?”

Phil, who was dressed in black skinny jeans and a light blue t-shirt, laughed helplessly. “Hi. Sorry.”

“Don’t be! I figured it was kinda too early for drinks, so, I don’t know, wanna walk to a Starbucks?”

The weather was nice, it was warm and sunny, but not sticky hot, and Phil’s t-shirt was very nice, so the walk was nothing but pleasant, their conversation flowing easily.

When Phil ordered his drink of choice, a caramel macchiato, ice version, Dan’s jaw dropped. “Seriously, dude?”

“What? I like my coffee sweet and caramel-y. Take your judgement elsewhere,” Phil said, shrugging and sipping his drink through a straw.

“It’s not, no, it’s not judgement, you’ve misunderstood. It’s just that-” Dan turned to the barista, looking away from Phil with difficulty. “Same for me, please.”

“So, we have the same favorite drink.”

“What kinda coincidence, huh?” laughed Dan, touching his credit card to the terminal.

“I don't believe in coincidences.”

“What do you believe in then, Phil?”

“Cosmic forces that cause you to be in the right place, right time.”

“Isn’t that sort of the same thing?” asked Dan, regarding Phil’s curious little smile as he took his drink from the barista and tried to walk out of the cafe without tripping over his own legs.

“No, it's a fundamentally different thing.”

Dan stared at Phil and grinned; he couldn’t help it any longer. Phil had sunglasses on and was biting on his straw in the midday sun, and Dan thought, _Some pretty powerful cosmic forces must like me a lot to allow me to be right here, right now._

He never really realized he said it out loud, until he did and he could see Phil’s eyes crinkle even behind his Ray-Bans.

They walked around the neighbourhood for a while and time went by too fast, even though Dan was aware it’s a cliche. Phil took him to his favorite comic book store that Dan didn’t even know existed, they talked and bickered and shared their interests and the simplicity of it all hugged Dan like a snug blanket. He spent 50 pounds on a game Phil recommended just because of Phil’s suggestion they could play it together and before they left the store, Dan wasn’t even sure what his own name was, but he knew the cosmic forces were in his favor like never before.

“Damn, I think I have to head back, Dan. I’m picking up Josie in an hour and I have to drop her off at a piano class later. Jeez, I don’t even know where the time went.”

“It’s okay!” Dan said as they started walking back in the direction they came from. “I have to work on some interview questions for tomorrow anyway. And take Zelda for a walk. Hope she didn't tear my apartment to fucking shreds yet, haha.”

“Interview questions? Sorry, I just realized I never asked you what you do for work.”

“Oh. Right. I write for NME. New Musical Express, you know.”

“Of course I do! Wow, Dan. Congrats! How long have you been writing for them?”

Dan nearly blushed when Phil patted his arm as a gesture of appreciation. “Almost a year now. It’s been going well so far.”

Since Dan was genuinely interested in music and his job, it was way too easy to lose track of time again while discussing it with equally enthusiastic Phil. They reached Dan’s front door faster than they could say “Kanye West”.

“Okay, so this is me,” said Dan, unsure of how to say goodbye, unsure if he even wanted to say goodbye. Phil had both his hands in his jean pockets, looking just as uncertain, and maybe Dan should’ve just gone for it. The desire gnawing at him was becoming darker and darker by the minute, and he just wanted to make sure, _needed_ to make sure he was right about the spark that was there between Phil and him, just waiting to be ignited. “See you around, I guess?”

“Could I just go in for a second and say hi to Zelda?” asked Phil, a little tense and too quiet, the first crack in his easy-going demeanor, Dan just realizing how much Phil was leaning into him.

This was going to end badly, badly and indecently.

Dan really wanted it to.

“No. No, Phil, you’ll be late to school. You need to go.”

Something washed over Phil’s face as he pulled himself back to reality. “Yes, yeah, you’re right. Sorry.”

“How about you and Josie visit me for dinner on Saturday? You know where I live now,” laughed Dan. “Josie can play with Zelda and we can play 1-2 Switch. Or whatever,” Dan shrugged, trying to keep it casual.

“Sure! Of course we will. Text me the time, okay? I really need to run now. Thanks for your time, Dan.”

Phil leaned in, embraced Dan super quickly and then he was gone before Dan properly registered what happened.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you enjoying the direction this is going in? What about the characterization?
> 
> Let's dish in the comments or at samrull.tumblr.com/ask


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one with an empty fridge, a nervous kitchen encounter and a call from overseas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the [PLAYLIST](https://open.spotify.com/user/1168369167/playlist/7MGPM3nBrW6fGUQczPFTSe) I'm slowly updating!

Some things came easy to Dan, but, honestly, most didn’t.

He couldn’t go to sleep until he was absolutely finished working on a project. He read over his reviews and interview questions ten times over and they never really lived up to his own expectations anyway. He tried running a blog once, but when he didn’t get a satisfactory amount of comments on posts, he angrily deleted everything. He wished he was fitter, but he couldn’t force himself to exercise. He policed his own fashion sense, always aiming for an aesthetic he could never compromise.

Dan was his own worst enemy.

When he was 20 and freshly dropped out of college, not sure whether what he felt was depression or just deep existentialism, not sure of anything in the world really, he went to a psychiatrist and demanded to be prescribed meds. The doctor looked at him, calmly, for a time so long it made Dan uncomfortable. Finally she said there’s no medication for what was wrong with Dan. His problems could only be dealt with by hours after hours after hours of therapy.

Dan stayed for a full hour, because he paid for it, but then never really bothered again.

Inviting Phil for dinner was a thing that came easy, mostly because Dan didn’t think it through, but the actual preparations were turning out to be imperfect hell.

It was 4:36 PM and Dan was standing in the open door of his fridge, looking at its contents like they were going to bite him. _Life is a constant disappointment_ , he thought, picking up a packet of mixed salad and checking the expiration date. Dan was never the greatest cook in the world and he wasn’t attempting to be, but ordering takeout when you specifically invited somebody for dinner was sort of a low blow. Dan wasn’t going to resort to that. He wanted to impress Phil. Or get him drunk on wine. Or both.

The sound of an incoming text message made Dan jump and shut the fridge door.

 **Phil:** Josie and I are so excited for dinner tonight! Is 7 PM okay?

 **Dan:** Of course! :)

“Oh, for fuck.”

Dan still had time. The tendency to put everything off and procrastinate was about to bite him in the ass, but Dan was still up and fighting. It was too late to go to a Tesco, but a little store round the corner was very much an option. Dan pulled on his shoes, grabbed his keys, wallet and phone and was out of the door in a second.

It was high time to swallow his pride and ask for advice. Walking briskly down the street, Dan made a phone call.

“Hey man, ‘sup?”

“Felix. What do 8-year-old kids eat?”

“Uhm… Dan? Are you okay?”

“No. I need to know. Please?”

Felix snorted. He was one of Dan’s closest friends, but ten seconds into the call Dan already knew he made a mistake. “How the fuck would I know that? Have you ever seen me with any kids?”

“No. But - you have, you have a girlfriend. Ask her. Please?”

“Okay, whatever, I don’t even - Marzia! Marzia, what do 8-year-olds eat?”

Dan couldn’t hear Marzia’s answer, but he crossed his fingers mentally. He was nearing the store already.

“She says chocolate.”

“No, I mean for dinner, asshole.”

“Dan asked about for dinner, asshole!” Felix yelled.

“No, Felix, that wasn’t - Jesus Christ -”

“Shut up, Dan. She says spaghetti and meatballs, or chicken. Not too spicy, no bones or anything. Happy now? Will you tell me why-”

“No, I gotta run. I’ll text you later, okay? Thank Marzia for helping.”

“Wait, what about me, Daniel?”

Dan hung up, making a mental note to never call Felix again in times of need, and entered the store.

***

Phil and Josie were sitting on the other side of the table from Dan, both eating peacefully (and quite enthusiastically, much to Dan’s relief) and Dan could only stare at the two of them, too stressed to eat what was on his own plate. He kept noticing similarities in father and daughter: the obvious things, like their skin tone, eye color and shape of their mouths, and the subtle details, like holding the glass with water with both hands or how they laughed with the tip of the tongue between their teeth.

Dan still had his stomach in knots. He made two versions of spaghetti and meatballs; a mild one for Josie and a spicy one for Phil and himself. He had prepared water, Coke and red wine (for later), some ice cream and a lot of chocolate sauce for dessert.

_They are enjoying themselves. Be cool, Dan, be cool._

Phil was telling a story from a recent parent-teacher conference at Josie’s school and how one slightly unhinged mom absurdly roped him into believing an entire class was going to fail math, which turned out to be absolute bull, and then Phil found out Josie was actually second best in math in her year.

“I’m still not _the_ best, but dad says it’s okay,” shrugged Josie before taking a long sip of water. Dan noticed how she was much more timid and controlled in her behavior than Phil was, probably something she took after her mother, and very well-spoken.

“Second best is awesome, Josie. I was always more like second to last, myself. Hated math with passion.”

“Same.” Phil raised his hand for a solemn high-five that Dan managed not to miss, miraculously. “Josie is apparently the brightest Lester since generations.” Phil ruffled his daughter’s hair. The girl smiled, but fixed her hair just a second later.

“Can I go play with Zelda now, please?” The dog’s ears perked up at the sound of her name and she jumped off the couch where she was lying, just to be by Josie’s side in literally five seconds. “The food was delicious! Thank you Dan!” Josie left her place by the table and grabbed one of Zelda’s toys abandoned on the floor, starting a game of tug with the puppy.

“You’re very welcome!” Dan tried to smile, still feeling tension in his shoulders and down his spine. Phil was finishing up his food too, and when he looked up at Dan, the color of his eyes was somehow more intense than it was in the daylight.

“That was really delicious, Dan. But hey, you’ve barely touched yours! What’s up?”

“I’m - I’m just not hungry. Maybe ate too much while preparing it, haha, it’s okay.” Dan got up from the table, collected the empty plates and went to the kitchen island, Phil following him with more dishes.

“You sure? You seem kinda tense. I think you’ve been like that ever since we arrived.”

“Phil-”  
  
“Look, the dinner was great and as much as I was looking forward to that ungodly amount of vanilla ice cream you have promised, and even though my kid has just started bothering your dog, which has consistently been her favorite conversation topic all throughout this week, if we are making you feel uncomfortable or stressed in any way, we can just - leave, you know?”

Dan could hear Josie laughing and Zelda’s paws on the wooden floor, but most of all he could hear the desperate thumping of his own heart. Phil was leaning back against the kitchen island opposite of Dan and his black patterned shirt had two top buttons undone.

_Why is he this cute and why do I have no idea whether he’s into me or not? What do I have to do to find out? Why would slow death by suffocation feel less painful than this entire experience?_

“Phil, I -” started Dan, ready to finally say something, anything, get rid of the tension any which way, but he was interrupted by… a Final Fantasy instrumental playing in Phil’s pocket.

“Don’t mind it, just keep talking, Dan. Ignore it.” Phil reached out, wrapping his fingers around Dan’s wrist, looking at him intently, but all Dan could focus on was how scorching hot the air around him felt and the piano notes still coming from Phil’s pocket. He took a deep breath when the phone finally stopped ringing, but it started again immediately afterwards. Phil sighed with annoyance and Dan just took a step back, giving up.

“You should take this, Phil.”

Phil nodded, distracted, and pulled his phone out of his pocket. Dan only saw a name flash across the screen, Hazel, no cute photo ID, no nothing, and Phil said “Hello” in a freezing cold tone. “And this is why you’re calling me on a Saturday night? Seriously? No, I’m calm, I’m always calm, Hazel. I’m- wait. I have company. Just wait.” Phil covered his phone with his hand and looked at Dan apologetically. “I’m sorry. I’ll just go outside for a second, alright? You and Josie don’t have to listen to this.” Phil walked off, quickly, and gently closed the door behind himself as he left, Dan still by the kitchen island, baffled, his heart completely stupefied and without any idea how to react.

Only after a solid minute he noticed Josie looking at him with a troubled expression. “It’s always like this whenever mom calls him, you know,” she said, and Dan’s very soul cried out in sympathy. He went over to the living room couch and sat down next to Josie, Zelda climbing onto his lap and curling up there.

“Does that happen often?”

Josie nodded. “They don’t like each other. Mommy lives in America now, so I only see her for Christmas and holidays, and- she’s okay, I guess. They just don’t like each other like some other parents do.” Josie shrugged, not looking Dan in the eyes anymore, focusing on petting Zelda behind the ear.

“Don’t be sad, Josie,” said Dan lamely, not having the faintest idea how to console a child sad about her parents fighting.

So there was a mom. She wasn’t dead or terminally ill, she was very much a living woman who Phil apparently didn’t like very much, and likewise. Was she a one night stand? A drunk summer mistake? An ex wife who found somebody else and left? Was she the one that got away, to America, and left Phil alone with the task of raising their child? Dan still wasn’t close to solving that mystery, and he was _not_ going to ask Josie about it.

“I’m not sad, Dan. You’re nice. Daddy likes you, and he says you’re a good person because you love Zelda. Daddy says people who love their pets can’t be bad.”

“Wow, I- I guess your dad is right, but-” Dan didn’t know what to say. His heart was flipping itself inside out, giving him a headrush. Phil opened the front door right then, his brows pulled together, his back slightly hunched forward, squeezing his phone like he was going to break it. All of his lighthearted mood from before was gone, evaporated, and damn, Dan wanted to know _why_ , but he couldn’t ask.

For some reason he felt guilty as if he caused all of this.

“Josie, we have to go. I’m very sorry, Dan.” Dan couldn’t really read Phil’s expression. It didn’t seem like an emergency happened, because there was no urgency in Phil’s moves. He just looked pissed off, which was a weird look on him.

“It’s - it’s alright, Stuff happens, I mean, I understand.”

“But, dad! We _just_ came here,” said Josie, which was a blatant lie since they arrived a good hour and a half ago. “I have played with Zelda for just five minutes, you promised…”

“Josie. We _have_ to, okay?”

Dan looked at the little girl, who seemed to have understood something. She sighed, gave Zelda one last rub behind the ear and got off the couch, joining Phil. Dan stood up too.

Not only was Dan’s moment with Phil in the kitchen completely gone; the entire evening has been dropped to the ground and shattered into pieces for reasons Dan couldn’t comprehend. He wanted to say something, but he didn’t know what, and he sighed with relief when Phil spoke first.

“Thank you for inviting us, Dan. The food was great. I’m sorry for… this.”

Dan could only nod. “You guys are welcome to visit me anytime. I mean it.” He walked them to the door, Josie holding onto her dad’s hand, both of them radiating sadness.

That Hazel woman was a real buzzkill.

They said their goodbyes and Dan was left alone with Zelda and three containers of vanilla ice cream, ready to lay himself face down in bed, even if it was not even 9 PM.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #WhatDidHazelDo
> 
> Theories in the comments!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one with a weird dream, a lot of wine and an unexpected guest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the updated [PLAYLIST](https://open.spotify.com/user/1168369167/playlist/7MGPM3nBrW6fGUQczPFTSe) for your enjoyment!
> 
> And [ HERE ](http://imgur.com/a/2KtR5) is some incredible art for chapter 1, by the talented [Wednesday!](http://wednesdayangeline.tumblr.com)

Dan was in bed, not face down, but still. After he made his way through half a pint of vanilla ice cream, he brushed his teeth, shed his clothes and climbed beneath the covers, firing up the Youtube app on his phone and deciding to catch up. Time flew by and he wasn’t thinking, the tension from the entire evening finally leaving him.

He did not expect the text message that arrived at 11:27 PM. 

**Phil:** Once again, I’m so sorry Dan

**Dan:** nothing happened, so don’t be, you guys okay?

**Phil:** We are :) I’ll explain some other time. I wanted to ask you something though.

Dan sat up in his bed, listening to the silence, without any idea what to expect.

**Dan:** shoot

Three moving dots next to Phil’s photo (him in sunglasses, sipping on a tropical drink) indicated that he was typing. Dan held his breath. Why would Phil make a whole other thing of asking Dan if he could ask him something? That was sketchy in itself, wasn’t it?

**Phil:** I was wondering if you’d like to go out for dinner and drinks sometime. Just you and I. I know we both mostly work nights, so I’m thinking Saturday/Sunday next week?

Dan put the phone down. Then he picked it up, re-read the message and put the phone down, again. He grabbed a pillow, smushed his face into it, made an indiscernible noise, put the pillow down, flailed his arms around a little. Alright. He was ready for this.

**Dan:** Sunday sounds perfect. I’d love to

He could hardly believe Phil was out there, two streets and a park away, living, breathing, probably in his bed right now, thinking about  _him_ , Dan, this very second, maybe even smiling at his phone screen because of Dan’s answer. That was all too much for Dan to take in and he felt his cheeks burn from the intensity. He wanted to lie face down again, but he had to wait for another text from Phil.

**Phil:** Awesome! We can sort out the time and place later. Sleep well!

**Dan:** you too Phil, goodnight

Going back to watching Youtube after this was impossible for Dan, so he just turned off the bedside lamp, stretched his limbs and allowed his mind and his hand under the sheets to take him to the land of fantasies.

***

Phil had a dream.

It was a nice, warm, calm dream at first, and it contained Dan.

In the dream, Phil woke up in an unfamiliar bed, somewhere in an unfamiliar city, tightly wrapped in a duvet and someone else’s long limbs. He wasn’t sure who the person was at first, but they smelled good, like coconut shampoo and fresh cotton, and their skin was warm and soft, so Phil enjoyed the sensation. Only after a few slow, sleepy minutes did Phil realize the person was Dan, Dan Howell, his almost-neighbour, recently voted The Absolute Cutest Person in Phil’s life, fluttering his eyelashes and smiling lazily at Phil. 

“Mornin’,” Dan said, stretching, and the light reflecting in his eyes made Phil look around. They were in a high rise apartment building with panoramic windows, the city behind the glass like a cross between Tokyo and something straight from Star Wars, but it was okay, it was their _home_. The notion of the two of them having a home together was absurd in itself, but Phil wasn’t going to question it, since it felt good. It felt natural and wholesome. And then, ever so slowly, everything started falling apart in bits and pieces, cherry blossom petals landing on Dan’s hair and Dan was smiling, holding Phil by both hands, leaning in for a kiss. But then the cherry blossom avalanche got too overwhelming and Phil couldn’t breathe, opening his eyes and gasping for air in the early hours of the morning.

He knew why he dreamt of Dan. It was because he wanted to. It was because Dan was a welcome distraction from everything that was currently going on. Asking him out for an actual date was, on one hand, something nice Phil had to do for himself after two hours of stressful Skype conversation with Hazel. On the other hand, he did it because he found Dan adorable. After their little Starbucks trip and then their dinner, Dan turned out to be not only excellent to talk to, but also a decent cook, not bad with children and ever so slightly insecure. Combined with his smoking hot body, gorgeous face and endearing smile, Phil wondered why Dan wasn’t surrounded by a swarm of potential lovers.

Somehow he wasn’t. Maybe nobody was ever good enough, so Dan didn’t bother?

Phil was going to make him bother.

***

“You look… wow. I mean… wow.”

Phil fiddled with the top button of his shirt. “I’m going to take it as a compliment.”

“You should, yes, you definitely should.”

“I’m glad then. You look great too, Dan.” Gently, Phil put an arm around Dan’s waist and directed him towards the restaurant’s entrance. 

Dan was straight off a horrible week at work. He spent so much time in NME offices, running from meeting to interview and never really having time to do his actual job, which was listening to music and writing about it. He sacrificed nights to do that. Zelda has adapted to his nightly lifestyle and they took walks at 2 AM and then again around 5. Dan sent Phil a lot of texts about his misery in the weirdest hours, and received replies around 7 in the morning when he was deep into his REM phase. When Phil tried to suggest they move their meeting to next week if Dan was so tired, Dan took a firm stand and said no. It was the only thing he was looking forward to. 

Luckily, they were here, and Phil looked gorgeous in his light blue button up and dark jeans. Meanwhile, Dan looked like a rat. The only white shirt he owned was wrinkled to hell, but he still chose to wear it, and his hair was a wavy mess of unruly curls. Despite all odds, Phil smiled at him when they sat down by their table.

“What do you want to order? I’ve only ever been here once, but I love their steak.”

They both got steak, medium well, a salad to go with it and a bottle of red wine that made Dan feel hot around his collar area. It only took 15 minutes for him to stop paying close attention to what he was saying, to stop censoring himself constantly and he could really _talk_ to Phil, be himself and not some version of himself he thought Phil would like. 

Phil seemed to be enjoying that, and it made Dan feel completely starstruck.

The dinner, wine and dessert went by in a blur. Dan kept waiting for the conversation topics to dry out, waiting for the other shoe to drop but it never did. Phil accidentally brushed his hand once when reaching for his glass and then he just left his hand there, Dan smiling with content.

“Do you want to walk to a bar nearby now? There’s this place I know just around the corner.” 

Dan nodded. Drinks with Phil seemed like a great idea, even if he’d rather prefer this evening to be a classic Netflix and chill scenario. No, Dan was going to control himself and behave. They split the restaurant bill, even though Phil put up somewhat of a fight (“I invited you, it seems, I don’t know, not okay”). Outside was all starry skies and fresh night air and the wind was blowing Phil’s fringe off his forehead. Suddenly Dan felt very self-conscious about his own hair for some reason, remembering how he didn't have time to straighten it before. He knew he couldn’t really do anything about it at this point, but his hand wandered to his fringe anyway, fingers combing through it.

Phil grabbed his hand softly, but decisively, and pulled it down. “Don’t, Dan. You look so good like this.”

“I’m- I know I don’t, sorry.”

“Stop. I really like the curls.” Phil kept holding Dan’s hand for some reason and they just walked, a smile tugging on Dan’s mouth with urgency. He wanted to laugh and jump of joy and suffocate Phil with kisses, but he needed to know one thing first.

“Phil?”

Phil stopped, turning to face Dan. They were on a busy sidewalk, somewhere between a bus stop and a liquor store, but it was like nobody else was here but Phil, whose story was still a mystery to Dan, even though the man himself was an open book, every emotion painted on his face in the brightest of colors. “Yes?”

“I need to ask you-”

“Yeah?” Phil waited, leaning in slightly, grabbing Dan’s other hand for good measure.

“Is this- tonight, is this a date?”

Phil smiled, no, he _grinned_ , running his fingers over Dan’s knuckles, tightening his grip. “It feels like one for me. If you're okay with it.”

The relief made Dan laugh, the air leaving him before he could look at Phil again. “Of course I am.”

“Great! It’s a date then. One or two drinks and then we leave? What do you say, Dan?”

The bar was cozy and not too loud. Phil got the most colorful, fruity drink while Dan settled for a margarita. They sat down by the bar, in the very corner, and slowly drank each other in, the changing lights turning Phil’s hair all of the crazy colors, Dan’s heart blooming in affection. He contemplated running a hand up Phil’s thigh, but they were still holding hands and he wasn’t ready to let go.

“So, Phil, you promised to tell me about that phone call during my dinner. What happened?” Liquid courage finally pushed Dan to ask the question. Luckily, Phil wasn’t too phased, he just frowned.

“That was Josie’s mother calling. She- she’s been pretty insufferable lately.”

“Your ex?”

“Yeah. I- it's a long story, Dan, and I don’t want to spoil our night. Quick summary, she was a long-time girlfriend who left me and Josie out of the blue seven years ago and went to live in New York.”

Dan had so many questions. Why did she leave? _How_ could she leave? Who in their right mind would abandon their own family like that? But Phil took a long sip of his drink and Dan decided not to push it. It was their night; why not just enjoy it? 

Dan was ready to drop the subject, but Phil spoke again. “She wants us to go to court to settle custody over Josie. Can you believe it? She was _never_ interested in that before.”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Phil.”

“No, you know what? Let’s drop it. Let’s talk about all the upcoming movies and choose the ones we'll see together. How does that sound, Dan?” Phil squeezed Dan’s hand and smiled at him warmly.

“Much better, I have to admit. Let’s do that.”

They made a whole list. At one point, Dan pulled out his phone and started jotting down the titles so they wouldn't forget. The conversation quickly switched from upcoming movies to their favorites the other didn't see, and they absolutely _had to_ , and then, somewhere in the middle of their second drink, Phil was hilariously insulted that Dan never watched _E.T._

Phil's lips glistened in the dim lights and everything Dan wanted was to pull him out of there and continue their moment in private.

"Do you want to go, Phil? I think maybe we should."

Phil grinned, scrambling for some cash to leave on the counter. "Alright. Leaving it is. Do you think we should catch a cab or-"

"Yeah, let's catch a cab."

Phil gave the cabbie his home address. Their hands rested on the car seat between them, on top of each other, as London flashed in neon lights behind the windows. Dan had a brief thought about his heart rate and how it was probably crazy unhealthy for a young heart to beat so fast. But how could it be any different when Phil's face was inches from his own as he was being told a story of Phil's first London apartment?

"I always enjoyed it here more than Hazel, obviously", Phil scoffed when they left the cab and climbed the couple steps to Phil's door. "Maybe that's why she left me. Because she hated that goddamn old apartment."

 _We're in that weird transition place now_ , thought Dan. _He either asks me to come in or tells me that he had fun and that we should repeat it some other time, and closes the door on me._ Dan stood awkwardly in the small, narrow space between the front stairs and Phil's door. Phil, however, was now fully in rambling mode. Maybe it was prompted by alcohol, maybe tiredness, maybe he just needed to get it off his chest.

“She’s… I don’t know why it all happened, you know. I was a good boyfriend, as good as I could at least, and then I really tried to be a good father, even though I was 22 years old, I did my best, and she just, it was never enough for her. _I_   was never enough. Sorry if I sound bitter. I am bitter.”

“It’s okay.” It really was okay with Dan. He realized the only thing he currently cared about was the fact that Phil and him held hands basically ever since they first joined them before entering the bar. The alcohol was buzzing in his head and he felt so, so weightless and… happy?

“Thank you. Thanks for listening. It was all a long time ago, but now that she wants to be more present in Josie’s life again, I just- I won’t have it, Dan.” Phil took a step closer.

“It’s so unfair. She’s so unfair, you know? You don't deserve it.”

Dan was now pleasantly trapped between Phil’s lean, warm body and the wall of his house. Phil was close. His eyelashes were very bright, too bright to fit the dark hair he had on his head.

“What do I deserve, then?” Phil asked suggestively, switching the mood, curling a strand of Dan’s hair around his finger. 

Dan was about to suffocate.

He leaned forward, meeting Phil halfway. Their lips latched onto each other, a breath was released, a breath was caught inbetween before it turned into a moan. Both Phil’s hands were in Dan’s hair, touching it softly, but urgently, cradling Dan’s head. Dan pushed his leg between both of Phil’s as he struggled to be closer and closer, their helpless connection of mouths the only thing keeping him afloat, his palms exploring the expanses of Phil’s back through his shirt, the world running away forever, and Dan was okay with it.

He didn’t need the world anymore. Unexpectedly, Phil was the world now.

The kiss was never going to be enough, they both realized, because it turned desperate and hungry and Dan moved his head away to catch a breath, inhaling the smell of Phil’s aftershave while Phil sucked in a bruise just below Dan’s hastily undone collar.

“Alright, okay, keys… I should have the- here they are.” Phil fumbled with the house keys, one hand still fisted into the material of Dan’s shirt. Dan was clinging and he didn’t care, didn’t mind, he just wanted _more_. 

Phil pushed the door open and they didn’t even properly step in yet before the light turned on, blinding them both temporarily. Dan didn’t know what was going on when Phil dropped his hand from Dan’s back and froze.

“It’s _late_ , Philip. What will Josie think?” 

There was a woman in the hallway right in front of them. Her hair was blonde, her nightgown was black, her eyes were huge and her tone was icy.

“What are you doing here, Hazel?”

“Don’t you think we have more pressing issues to address?” She turned to look at Dan, who at this point wanted nothing more than to disappear. Funny how quickly things could change. “Who the _fuck_ is that?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They did THAT
> 
> What should Dan do now? Suggestions because poor guy is about to panic.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one with an escape, a very dark hallway and a broken glass.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the updated [PLAYLIST](https://open.spotify.com/user/1168369167/playlist/7MGPM3nBrW6fGUQczPFTSe) you can listen to as you read the story. 
> 
> This chapter is where the E rating comes into play, so be warned.

“Great. Thanks for scaring away my guest.” Phil said as Dan closed the door behind himself, having murmured _I’m not going to disturb you, bye Phil_ , disappearing in a blink of an eye like he was never even there, and Phil couldn’t blame him.

“I didn’t know you had a new boyfriend.”

Hazel was standing in front of Phil in the hallway, wearing a nightgown like she lived here, in _his_ house, and he had never been more pissed. That woman sure had some guts. Of all the things she could’ve ruined, why did she choose yet another evening with Dan?

No. Phil wasn’t going to let her.

“Where’s Josie?”

“Asleep, obviously. It’s the middle of the night. I told her sitter to go home. She seemed like a nice girl, do you pay her well? She has to be working the weirdest hours for you.”

“So Josie is asleep.”

Hazel looked at Phil like she didn’t understand a word he was saying. “Like I said. We ate some dinner, I helped her with homework, we even read a book goodnight. I’m her mother, you know.”

“I’m not questioning that.” Phil ran a hand over his face. He was getting tired. He didn’t plan for such a lovely evening to end like this. “What I’m saying is that it’s not your home, and you shouldn’t have showed up uninvited.”

Their last conversation ended with a fight. Phil was done with games, regrets and secrets, he was done with fights and, most of all, he was done with Hazel. He wanted to be somewhere else, with somebody else.

Before Hazel could say anything else, Phil cut her off. “I’ll be back in the morning to get Josie ready for school. Whatever you wanna talk about, we can talk about tomorrow.” He turned on his heel and left, Hazel jumping to the door after him, yelling, “Philip Michael Lester, come back here, we need to talk, seriously”, but Phil was already running, across the street and then uphill through the park where they first met Dan and Zelda. 

He had to make a stop halfway just to laugh hysterically. Freedom was the strangest of all the concepts, the night was warm and dark and he felt so good, so young, so full of energy and unsure of what was waiting for him behind the corner.

The entire jog didn’t take him longer than seven minutes, but before he reached Dan’s doorstep he was sweating and panting, gasping for breath. 

“Dan.”

The other man was just entering his apartment; he must've taken a brisk walk while Phil and Hazel were having their little dispute. With confusion in his eyes, his collar still undone like Phil left it, _so messed up, and he’s still blushing, how can a person be this beautiful_ , Dan smiled at Phil, but cautiously.

“Phil, what-”

“Can we just- no more questions tonight, okay?”

Dan nodded and gulped before Phil was by his side, not awaiting an invitation anymore. They both stumbled inside Dan’s place, a messy connection of tangling limbs, mouths and breaths, Phil completely sober now, Dan probably not. The lights were off while they kissed, Phil enjoying the fact that even though Dan was an inch or two taller than him, he made himself smaller just so Phil could be in control. He let Phil pin both his hands up over his head and hold them there, while Dan’s entire body was screaming to be touched, defiled, tainted, _loved_. Phil quickly dealt with the buttons of Dan’s wrinkled white shirt, the other man’s body sticking to his willingly, Dan letting go of small moans that made Phil’s blood fizzle. Something they couldn’t see fell off some shelf. They didn’t pay attention.

“You're so beautiful, Dan. So beautiful, so beautiful, so good.” Phil palmed Dan’s hard dick through the fabric of his pants, half teasing, half just trying to elicit more moans out of Dan, since he loved the sound of them. 

“Phil, I-”

“So beautiful. I’m so happy I met you.”

Dan yelped and lunged forward, freeing his hands so he could pull Phil in and kiss him properly, drawing his fingernails into the flesh of Phil’s biceps. Phil used the moment to unbutton Dan’s pants and pull them down with his underwear. 

The contact of Phil’s hand with his dick shook Dan out of the kiss. He looked at Phil, chocolate brown eyes dark in the night, lips parted and wet. 

“Is that okay…?” Phil asked, just to be safe.

“Yes, yes, of course, I’m just… just not sure if it’s all real.”

(Years later, when Phil tried to pinpoint the exact timestamp for when he fell for Dan, his thoughts often pointed to that particular moment.)

“Honestly, I’m not sure either.”

Phil held onto the backs of Dan’s thighs as he went down on him, knees hitting the cold wooden floor, the familiar salty taste on his tongue and a new set of fingers in his hair.

It seemed like Dan was trying to hold it together for a while, keeping reasonably quiet, finally resting his hands on Phil’s shoulders, pulling on the fabric of Phil’s shirt. Phil just focused on making Dan feel as good as possible, trying to push him off the edge, lose all the composure he was grasping onto. Swirling his tongue around Dan’s cock, he looked up, able to see a little in the darkness by now; Dan was biting his lips, eyes wide open and when their gazes crossed, he let go of a long, deep groan and Phil could feel his knees tremble.

Dan was leaning against a wall in the hallway. Phil, without stopping his mouth from moving for a second, ran his hands up the back of Dan’s thighs so he could cup Dan’s ass.

The moans were beyond all control now, mixed with Phil’s name cutting the warm air of Dan’s apartment and Phil was glad they didn’t stay at his place after all; he would be freaking out they could wake up Josie. 

One particularly loud moan from Dan, and the fact that he was straight up pulling on Phil’s hair suggested that he was getting close to the edge. Phil pulled away, needing a breath, knowing he was close to his own release as well, not even prompted by any touch, just the presence of Dan and the entire situation.

He ran the tips of his fingers along the underside of Dan’s balls. In a second, Dan violently pulled Phil closer by the nape of his neck, and came in Phil’s mouth. 

The second Phil was done swallowing and pulled away, Dan was on his knees next to Phil, wearing an expression of urgency and a frown, biting his lips, pushing and pulling, and Phil just let him because he wasn’t exactly sure what Dan was doing. But it all became clear in a moment when he managed to make Phil sit down and unzip his pants.

He wanted to return the favor. 

“Dan, you really don’t - oh my God, Dan - alright. Alright.”

***

Dan’s bedroom was too far away, so they didn’t really make it there. But the couch in Dan’s tiny living room was just close enough, so after they’ve hastily pulled up their pants they just sort of crashed there, waiting for their breaths to even out. Phil ruined Dan’s plans though, pulling him close for a slow, lazy kiss. Their bodies were tangled beyond any comprehension and Dan wondered if the mush his brain turned into would ever be useful for anything anymore.

He was almost positive that it wouldn’t. It would just be a lifetime of kissing Phil Lester on his living room couch. 

Not like it was a bad thing.

“I know I should probably let go now.” Dan’s hands were twisted into the back of Phil’s shirt, their mouths literal inches from each other, and Dan was about to say something pathetic. “But I also really don’t want to.”

“Please don’t.”

The happiness Dan felt right in that moment couldn’t really compare to anything he remembered ever feeling. The thing that he suspected was between Phil and him really _was_ there and it burned, it burned with the power of one thousand suns.

“We’re not gonna talk about what happened… at your house, with your - you know?” Dan asked, still slightly stunned by the turn of events, knowing it was not more than 40 minutes since the awkward encounter with Hazel, but somehow it felt like a lifetime has passed.

First, Phil kissed Dan for a while, because that was obviously the most important thing. Then he shook his head, as decisively as he could without hurting Dan, running the top of his hand along Dan’s cheek in the most gentle gesture anyone ever experienced. “Not tonight. Alright? I want to enjoy our couple of hours before I have to go home at six.”

“Damn it, Phil, do you ever, like, sleep?” Dan chuckled, leaning in for yet another kiss, a short one this time.

“Not if I can help it.”

“No, come on.” Dan shuffled their positions on the couch slightly, so that he was sitting and Phil was sprawled across the pillows with his head resting in Dan’s lap. The fact that neither of them felt any discomfort in this situation was magical. “How’s that feel?”

“Good,” murmured Phil. “Would be even better if you stroked my hair.”

“You’re such a need,” joked Dan, but did what Phil asked him for anyway. "Here. Does that help?"

"Mhm. You could do this for a living, you know." Phil was now settled comfortably and Dan could bet his eyes were closed, only until Phil turned his head to look up at him. "I kinda miss kissing you though. I enjoyed that."

"We can do both at the same time, maybe?"

"Ah! Can't wait to experience that magic."  


The thing about Dan was, when he found something, or someone, to cling onto, he clung hard. Phil didn't seem to mind yet and Dan hoped he would continue not to mind. They kissed for a while, slowly, studying each other's rhythms.

Suddenly there was a paw scratching a leg of his jeans and Dan looked down to see Zelda, wagging her tail and tilting her head at him.

“Aww, look who’s here!” Phil cooed, scooping the puppy off the floor and into his arms where she rested, on top of his chest as Dan stroked Phil’s hair for infinity until he could hear even breathing from both Phil and Zelda. He was left alone then, exhausted, his body weightless, his lips numb, his mind blissfully empty.

***

It was half past six in the morning when Phil quietly unlocked the door of his house. He needed a shower, but on the other hand he didn’t really want one; he enjoyed smelling like Dan and he wanted to cling onto this feeling for as long as possible. Absurdly, he felt a shower would wash off not only the smell, but also the bliss of the night.

_There will be more nights just like this one. Or even better ones_ , Phil tried to convince himself, and felt a smile blooming on his face. But then he passed the kitchen and the smile faltered immediately. 

Hazel was sitting by the breakfast bar. Still wearing her flimsy black night gown, she was toying with a half empty glass of whiskey (where did she get _that_ from?), streaks of mascara dried on her cheeks, swollen from crying. In the quiet, still sleepy house, it seemed like Phil saw a ghost. 

A ghost of the past he would rather not think about.

“Phil.” She jumped off the high chair, stumbling slightly, and approached Phil, wrapping her arms around him. 

Phil just stood there. He wasn’t going to hug her back. He wasn’t going to push her away. Maybe he should.

After more or less ten seconds, Hazel gave up. She took a step back, looking up at Phil with half a bitter smile. “How was your night?” she asked, taking a sip of her drink.

“It was excellent. Thank you.” Phil tried to keep his face neutral as he answered. Breaking into a wide grin about Dan seemed out of place in this particular moment. 

“Jeez, good to know you were out there, curating to your vibrant sex life, while I was in here, having a nervous breakdown!” She was definitely losing it, getting drunk at six in the morning, yelling at Phil as if he was her cheating spouse.

The juxtaposition between a wonderful night with Dan and this hellish morning was so evident Phil wondered if the same person lived through both of those. Maybe there were actually two Phils and the other one was currently waking up in Dan's bed, wrapped in Dan's arms and his sheets, to give him a good morning kiss. Phil really envied that other Phil right now.

“Hazel. Stop it.” He tried to grab Hazel’s hand, but it was already too late. The whiskey swirled in the air, splashing on Phil’s shirt and shoes, Hazel’s gown and the floor. The glass shattered with a gut-twisting, hollow sound and the woman squealed as if she was hurt, running away to the adjacent dining room where she collapsed in a chair and hid her face in her hands, starting to cry.

Phil must’ve done a lot of bad things in his previous lifetime, because he sure as hell didn’t deserve this amount of bad karma for anything done in his current life.

With a sigh, he picked up the broken pieces of glass, making a mental note to vacuum the entire kitchen later. With a paper towel, he cleaned up the whiskey from the floor. His clothes, the moisture now soaking through to his skin, would have to wait. Hazel was still weeping by the table.

“Hazel.” Phil sat down opposite her, bracing himself for a difficult conversation, because nothing was ever simple with Hazel, and started talking to her hands blocking her face. “Let’s be adults about this. Can you try?”

When she finally looked at him, her face still a mess of mascara and red blotches, she swallowed and took a deep, shaky breath. “I want to take Josie to Chicago with me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Advice for Phil this time around...
> 
> Also THEY DID THAT vol.2


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one with a bruise, a best friend and a bag of fresh donuts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the updated [PLAYLIST](https://open.spotify.com/user/1168369167/playlist/7MGPM3nBrW6fGUQczPFTSe) you can listen to as you read the story. It has sorta taken over my life, sorry not sorry
> 
> Also a warning for a tiny bit of E-rated action

There was a dark red bruise on Dan’s neck. Blush flooded his face when he saw it in the mirror, a tangible souvenir from his date with Phil, memories of last night pouring in and overwhelming him. He pressed his fingers against the mark, the rush of slight pain weirdly pleasant.

Phil left that mark there. 

For a second, Dan let his imagination run free. He closed his eyes, imagining the plains of his skin all covered in marks like the one on his neck; he imagined a painting of emotions and a map of passion and he imagined Phil never apologizing for any of it. It was all bubbling just beneath the surface, everything within Dan’s reach, so very tempting and so real.

_I want this so much_ , he thought, opening his eyes and taking a deep breath, trying to get himself together, because it was already late and he needed to make it in time for an interview he was about to do.

There was no item of clothing in Dan’s wardrobe that would cover the hickey. That was so, so unprofessional. Dan shrugged; he was never professional enough anyway.

“Be a good girl while I’m gone, okay, Zelda?” Dan leaned down to pet the dog’s head. Zelda licked his hand and whined, as always trying to make Dan feel bad for leaving her alone. “Don’t you whine at me, alright? Don’t you see I’m working on it? Maybe soon you’ll have two more humans to take care of you. Hold onto hope.” Zelda regarded Dan with her most present, understanding gaze, and then licked his hand again.

_I sure could use someone to take care of me, too_ , thought Dan, closing the door behind himself.

***

**Phil:** Literally all my back muscles hurt from sleeping on your sofa. I’m old

**Dan:** i’m sorry :(

**Phil:** It’s alright, I’ll live, just make sure that we use the bed next time

**Dan:** you got it. when?

**Phil:** Are you busy around 9 AM tomorrow? I know it’s the weirdest time for a date, but maybe I can come by to have a nap with you

**Phil:** Except we won’t do much sleeping

**Dan:** wear something nice ;)))

**Phil:** Don’t insult me sir

“Phil. Sorry to break this to you, but you’re grinning like an idiot.”

“Am I? Crap. Sorry.” Phil put his phone down and picked up a fork to finally start eating his lunch. The canteen at Radio 1 was empty except for him and PJ, Phil’s best friend and long-time coworker. “I’ll stop now.”

“No, Phil, by all means, go ahead. I’m glad to see the Hazel situation has got better. Because it has, right?”

The smile from Phil’s face vanished. “Actually, not really.” He stuffed some salad into his mouth, watching PJ frown. “She’s… she’s still here, Peej. I let her take Josie shopping after school, oh my God. It’s not like I can _forbid_ her, you know?”

PJ nodded solemnly. “And she still wants to go to court?”

“I tried to talk her out of it. We're seeing a family counsellor Wednesday afternoon, so I really hope this will be enough. I’m not letting her take Josie just like that.”

“It feels sort of sudden and out of the blue. What even is her agenda? She was never the most… maternal. Sorry.”

“No, Peej, don’t be sorry, it’s all true. She says she’s miserable and misses her too much. That’s all she would tell me.” Phil tried and failed to stifle a yawn. He was so, so tired. His back muscles really hurt; two tall guys like Dan and him sleeping on one sofa was never the best idea, no matter how cozy and intimate it felt. Some good night’s sleep was also overdue, but Phil couldn’t even think of sleeping soundly when Hazel was downstairs, on his living room couch, in a flimsy black nightgown, drinking the contents of Phil’s non-existent liquor cabinet.

But that was all just white noise, some nagging buzz at the back of Phil’s head. The important thing was that Dan just agreed to see Phil tomorrow morning for some nice physical activities, and possibly a nap.

“Okay then, I still don’t get what you were grinning about earlier then,” PJ said. 

Phil really tried not to blush, but he couldn’t help but smile. He bit that back too, but he ached to tell somebody, anybody, about Dan. “I’ve been seeing somebody new. It’s all very fresh, but it feels… it feels right, for some reason.”

PJ smiled. “Ha! I knew you had a vibe as soon as you said hi to me today. Now I know what the vibe is. Tell me all about them, Phil. I’m so excited now. Do we have time?”

“A couple minutes.” Phil looked around, but there was still nobody else in the canteen. “His name is Dan. He has a cute dog, a shiba inu, and we first met when I was with Josie in the park and the dog ran from Dan… Anyway. He’s a music journalist for the NME and - “

“Wait, what?”

“The New Musical Express, Peej, it’s a -”

“I know NME, Jesus. And I know your Dan.”

Phil’s jaw fell open. Out of all the people...“What?!”

“I met him during behind the scenes interviews countless times, Phil. Like at least twenty times. We’ve talked. We’re casual acquaintances. Facebook friends. I follow him on Instagram. Look.”

“What? Even _I_ don’t follow him on Instagram!” Phil whined as PJ unlocked his phone and searched for Daniel Howell on Instagram. There it was, definitely Dan’s profile since it was filled with pictures of Zelda, the sky at various weird hours of the day and night, some aesthetic architecture shots and a selfie here and there. 

“I can’t believe you’re dating Dan Howell.” PJ was openly grinning at this point, Phil massaging his own temples. “Please invite him to board game night sometime, it will be hilarious. Dan is a funny guy. Come to think of it, I can see why you two would like each other.”

“You can?” Maybe PJ was going to shine some light on this mystery of mutual attraction that Phil usually just blamed on chemistry.

“Totally. You're like mirror images of each other, except you have a kid instead of a dog.” PJ smiled before taking a bite of his sandwich. 

“You absolute, utter troll. Now hurry up, I have a show to plan.”

***

Dan crammed as much work into the evening as possible. He wanted the article with the interview to be done before tomorrow, outta sight outta mind, just so he could hang out with Phil without anything bugging him at the back of his mind. The letters on his computer screen were nearly blurring altogether when Zelda whined at Dan decisively, letting him know that it was time for a walk. 

Dan glanced at his phone: it was nearing 3 in the morning already. He missed a goodnight text from Phil two hours ago and a strange avalanche of Instagram likes from PJ Liguori (he decided not to pay that particular situation too much mind). Dan quickly typed a reply to Phil.

**Dan:** when you read this, it will be morning already, so good morning :D

The late May air was chilly at night, but it still smelled of flowers and cut grass and exhaust fumes, because it was London after all. Zelda was trotting next to Dan, trying to smell every lantern and piece of trash, the streets were nearly empty and Dan felt a rare sense of peace.

“Okay girl, we walk for 15 more minutes, and then I need, like, half an hour to finish writing the article.” Talking to Zelda was therapeutic, and there was literally not a soul around to tell Dan he was being weird. Besides, he was pretty sure all dog owners did this. “And then we go to sleep because Phil comes over at 9. Do you think I need to wash my hair? I’ll wash my hair in the morning.”

Dan didn’t wash his hair. 

When the alarm in his phone went off at 8:30, Dan stirred awake on his couch, his laptop tucked between his legs, the article still unfinished, yesterday’s clothes wrinkly and covered in dog fur.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck.” Stumbling off the couch to find his phone somewhere on the floor and turn off the alarm, Dan nearly dislocated a couple of limbs. In his crazy race to the bathroom, he managed to read a text from Phil that arrived at 6:47.

**Phil:** Morning! Can’t wait to see you soon

Dan couldn’t wait either, but currently he had more pressing issues to attend to. He brushed his teeth furiously like there was no tomorrow, pulling on his hair with his other hand, knowing he won’t have time to do anything to force it to behave. He splashed water on his face, shed his clothes and climbed into the shower, the cool water bringing along a fuzzy memory of a particularly interesting dream, and Dan felt his dick stiffen as he brushed a soapy hand against it. 

Okay. Okay, alright. Taking it easy this morning was apparently not an option.

Dan had barely toweled himself sorta dry and pulled on sweatpants (no underwear since he didn’t plan on being clothed for much longer) when the doorbell rang.

Aware that he looked absolutely deranged with moist curls, swollen morning eyes, no shirt on and a hard-on in his pants, Dan counted his blessings and opened the door.

There was a paper bag from Dunkin’ Donuts where Phil’s head should be.

“Good morning,” the bag said, revealing Phil, fully awake and grinning and exuding blinding joy. Dan simply grabbed the front of Phil’s blue-greyish hoodie and pulled the other man in, taking the bag of donuts from Phil’s hand and putting it away on a dresser.

“Mornin’,” mumbled Dan, ready to be called desperate when he attacked Phil with hungry, breathless kisses, slipping his hands underneath Phil’s hoodie to feel the warmth of his skin, pressing his half-naked body against Phil’s, his spirits soaring when Phil immediately wrapped his hands around Dan and kissed him back just as enthusiastically.

“Don’t tell me you don’t like donuts,” Phil said, his hands so big and so soft as they caressed Dan’s back and then slid down to his ass.

“I love donuts, what are you on about,” Dan answered inches from Phil’s lips, unable to go three seconds without kissing him.

“Because you seem… more enthusiastic… about me… than the donuts.” Phil had trouble speaking between kisses. Dan was fully pressed against him, a pure invitation for Phil to just do whatever he wanted with him.

“Because I am,” answered Dan, pulling off Phil’s hoodie and the white t-shirt he had underneath, tossing the clothes to the floor so that they were two naked chests against each other. Something about the situation struck Dan as surreal and he laughed, Phil blinking his blue eyes at him as he laughed too.

“What is it? What?”

“Nothing, nothing, I just - you wanna fuck?”

Everything else could wait. The donuts, the hair-washing, finishing the article, finally asking Phil about Hazel; everything would wait until - after.

Only then did Phil finally laugh, a full-body kind of laughter that sent vibrations through Dan’s entire body too. “Yeah. Can we use the bed?”

***

Happiness was as easy as it was temporary, and happiness achieved through sex was probably the most temporary kind of all. 

_I’m just gonna have to have sex with Phil as often as possible then_ , thought Dan, the joyful feeling from his body hugging his mind and soul too.

Morning sunlight was pouring in through the windows. Dan couldn’t remember the last time he had sex at 9 in the morning, but he also couldn't remember the last time he slept with someone that actually mattered to him. Hell, it was probably when he was eighteen.

Phil was everything good: he was attentive and responsive to Dan’s needs, but he didn’t ask too many questions. He was careful, but not too gentle; they laughed together and they shut up together too, and at one point of intense pleasure when Dan was sure his soul was going to leave his body, Phil pressed his forehead against Dan’s collarbone and their breaths aligned.

Phil was a game changer.

After an orgasm of the decade, Dan was laid down on the pillows, gently this time, his eyes closed and seeing blinding light behind his eyelids. What pulled him back to reality were Phil’s kisses all over his stomach, chest and neck.

“Holy shit, am I alive?” Dan asked, his brain still partly shut, his body tingly and oversensitive.

“I’m not sure, am I? Are we?” Phil placed his head on Dan’s chest, wrapping an arm around his torso. The closeness was easy and comfortable. “Probably, because I’m kinda hungry. Can we eat the donuts in bed? I even volunteer to bring them.”

“In that case… okay,” Dan said to the top of Phil’s head.

They ate the donuts and talked about everything and nothing for what seemed like forever, stopping every once in a while to make out lazily. 

“Dan.”

“Mhm?” Dan cuddled closer to Phil, their heads on the same pillow, the milky light soft against the naked skin of Phil’s shoulders. Their legs and fingers were equally tangled together. 

“So, tell me if I’m mistaken, but I feel like, I feel like there is this thing between us. I know I’ve known you for a very short time, but I feel like this thing is real.”

Dan smiled in what probably was a silly way. “So this is what you say to a guy after you get each other off? Your game must be amazing, damn.”

“Actually stop it”, laughed Phil, swatting Dan’s naked shoulder. 

“Okay, okay, sorry.” Dan rolled closer and kissed Phil, slowly, languidly, like it wasn’t nearing 11 AM already and they had all the time in the world just to be here, in this moment. They both really wished they had. Dan’s face was burning with blush when the kiss ended. “There is a thing, and it is very much real. And I just, I’m going to be selfish now, okay? I want someone for my own. Someone I can trust. Someone I can care about, and who will care about me. That’s all that really matters in life after all, you know?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I know.”

“I’d be very happy if you could be that person.”

The gravity of the moment suddenly hit Dan in a very unpleasant way. It was the turning point, where he was used to hearing “no” or saying “no” because it never felt right, so many failed attempts at making something out of nothing and two people whose roads have crossed just for one moment, never for longer.

It never felt right until just now, with Phil Lester.

“I want to,” Phil answered, throwing himself forward to wrap Dan in a tight hug, eager to end the serious moment, Dan suddenly able to breathe again.

It was the exact brand of temporary happiness he cared about the most.

***

It was nearing 10 PM when Dan came back from the office, a house never empty when you had a dog who greeted you like it really missed you and demanded to be taken for a walk right this instant.

“Alright girl, alright. I missed you too! We’re going. Just let me - okay. Let’s go.”

Zelda pulled on her leash, reminding Dan that she still needed more obedience training. Not really minding where he was walking, Dan almost collided with someone who was apparently waiting for him right outside his building.

Even though she wasn’t wearing a nightgown this time, Dan still did a double take.

Her blonde hair in neat waves, a short leather jacket on top of a silk blouse, her lips bright red, a slightly mocking half-smile.

Hazel.  
  
“Hi Dan. Can we talk?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you hate fluff, rip in peace
> 
> If you don't hate fluff, tell me how you enjoyed it in the comments :)


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one with fake smiles, a revelation and a teary bath. Also known as The Chapter of Tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [A PLAYLIST](https://open.spotify.com/user/1168369167/playlist/7MGPM3nBrW6fGUQczPFTSe) for your enjoyment.

The ghost of Phil’s past kept following Dan through the park, and she never stopped talking.

“How long have you had that dog? She seems small. Do you even train her? She’s pulling on the leash all the time. Why even have a dog anyway? Do you work? When do you find time to take her for walks? When did you-”

Time was ticking away and Dan’s white sneakers were already covered in dirt from park routes.

“Look, Hazel.” He stopped angrily, turning his whole body towards Hazel, too pissed off and confused to see the shock painted on her face. “What do you want from me? If you want to ask me something, tell me something or, I don’t know, fucking yell at me, please do it now and be on your merry way. There’s things I need to do.”

 _Like take the longest bath of my life, look at Phil’s selfies and jerk off._ But that, Hazel didn’t need to know.

“Oh. Alright.” She gave Dan another of her arsenal of fake smiles, her slim, manicured fingers toying with a necklace that looked like an engagement ring on a subtle, silver chain. “You’ve got character. I can see why Phil likes you.”

“And?” Dan was completely done with this conversation. There seemed to be no point to it other than just Hazel being her teasing self. Phil told him Josie took a lot after her mother and somehow Dan failed to see it completely.

“And nothing. Just an observation. I just wanted to talk, alright? I’ve got nothing against you. I’ve been happily married for over six years now, Phil’s got all my blessings.”

“So I’m supposed to believe it’s just a friendly conversation? Not a vigilante mission?”

“Well.” Of course there was a “well”, there was always something. Dan has known his fair share of people in his lifetime and rarely anything was ever simple and without shades of grey. “I am, most of all, a mother, and if you're going to be hanging around Phil, you’re going to be hanging around my kid too.”

“So this is to make sure I’m not gonna hurt Josie? Come on. I’m not a monster.” Dan tried to smile, but doubted that Hazel deserved that much of an effort. The woman basically estranged herself from her family, and now she was here, asking around, making sure _Dan_ could be trusted?

“I know. I know, Dan. I’m sorry.” If there was an award for the most insincere apology of the year, Hazel would win. Or at least be a nominee, because Dan would nominate her himself.

They started walking again, in blessed silence, even though Dan didn’t understand why Hazel still kept following him. He hoped to lose her as soon as they reach Dan’s front door. It didn’t take long before they made it there, Zelda proceeding to lie on the grass, exhausted after the prolonged walk. Dan looked at Hazel, opening his mouth to say goodbye, but she spoke first, unfortunately.

“Do you want to know why I left Phil?”

“No. Not really.” Dan didn't want to. He was currently regretting even giving Hazel a minute of his day if that was going to be the outcome of this encounter.

“I’m going to tell you anyway.”

“Oh my God, please-”

“Because I was never good enough for him,” she blurted out, looking straight into Dan’s eyes like trying to make sure he gets the message. “Phil is not a perfect human being, nobody is, but he is as close to a perfect partner as one can be. There we were, Phil working to make a living for our family, continuing his university course like no big deal, being a decent father at 22. And then there was me,” she laughed, bitterly, “fucking everything up, living off my parents’ money, failing class after class and having an affair with my uni professor, who was twice my age.”

When Dan didn't say anything to all these revelations, Hazel decided to just keep on talking. “And you know what I did? I fucking eloped to the USA with the professor and never looked back. Because that was what I deserved.”

A single, icy cold needle of pain and fear settled in Dan’s heart. He wanted to pick Zelda up and run. “Sorry, but this is bullshit, Hazel.”

“Are you sure, Dan? Are you absolutely sure you're good enough not to do what I did? Not to lose it? What do you even _do_ for a living? What have you achieved?”

Dan could spot tears in Hazel’s eyes, but she blinked and they were gone, leaving behind her standard mocking expression. Hazel lost her family. That was her failure, not Dan’s. He couldn't let her into his head. Phil was supposed to be his forever person.

It was supposed to be the real deal.

“Goodnight, Hazel. I hope you don't dream about abandoning your family again,” Dan said, doing what he wanted to do the entire time: picking Zelda up and walking towards his front door.

“Think about it, Dan!” Hazel’s voice sounded in the night as Dan closed the door behind himself.

***

“How’s your husband doing by the way? I just realized I never asked.” Phil didn’t mean that as ironic, he really didn’t. In his heart of hearts, he just wanted a point of conversation that would perhaps even make Hazel smile, the love and admiration she had for her husband always unwavering and evident in every word she said about him.

They were on their way to family counselling, taking a short walk from the parking lot where the taxi dropped them. Phil even wore one of the good shirts he usually saved for work occasions and family functions, along with a semi-casual suit jacket. The air was warm and smelled of summer and the day would almost be nice, if only Phil wasn’t so damn nervous.

Some stress relief was much desired and Phil just wanted to start a casual conversation.

Hazel, however, turned to Phil so sharply her hair flew around her head, with an ugly scowl on her face. “Oh, he’s doing _amazing_ , Phil. Currently dying of cancer. Thanks for asking.”

 _What?_ A giant bile of stale fear dropped into Phil’s stomach.

Hazel bolted forward, leaving Phil stunned and stumped. This must’ve been some kind of a cruel joke. Right?

“Hazel, wait.” Phil caught up with the woman, grabbing her arm and turning her towards himself, tears already running down her face in two streams. “Seriously? Oh my God. Why didn’t you say anything? Why would you… how? Why would you lie?”

The sun was shining so bright Phil regretted not bringing his sunglasses.

“What do you want me to say?” Hazel asked, shrugging.

“Anything. Please.”

Hazel wiped the tears with the back of her hand, grinning fakely. “What did you expect me to do here, Phil? Run into your arms all like ‘Oh Phil, my angel, the father of my child, please save me from my cruel fate? Please solve my unsolvable drama of my husband, the one for whom I left you and my own daughter, dying of a terminal disease and being so desperate for some happiness in the last months of his life that he sends me to the UK to trick you into giving Josie up, at least for a while, so that he doesn't have to die miserable and so that _I_ , I don’t know, don’t drink myself to death alone after he dies?’ Is that what you wanted from me, Phil? Is that what I should’ve done?”

“Yes?” Phil felt sick. His mind was spinning at the top gear, his stomach was churning and he felt lied to and cheated on once again, even though he knew it wasn’t at all about him this time. How were they going to sit through family counselling after this? “Yes, you should have told me. Remember how lies and half-truths never worked out for us? Remember how it's always easier to rip off the bandaid instead of… what the hell am I even saying right now, Haze?”

She shrugged Phil’s hand off her arm and shook her head. “I don’t know, but whatever it is I don’t wanna hear it. Let’s go in, we’re already late.”

The puzzle pieces all fit together perfectly now. Phil felt really stupid for not seeing things earlier, for being blind to the fact that Hazel was not a one-note villain of his life, appearing out of nowhere to ruin his little family and sabotage his blossoming relationship; she was here for her own reasons, each of them darker than the other.

But, above everything else, Phil couldn’t believe how painfully his heart was breaking for Hazel’s husband. Feeling compassion for a man you were abandoned for seemed out of line, but… he was going to die of cancer. That was a fate Phil wouldn’t wish on anybody.

“What are you waiting for? Come on.” Done with Phil’s shocked state, Hazel slammed the building door behind herself.

They both shut themselves out during the counselling. Hazel answered questions in a barely-there voice, her eyes glued to the floor like she didn’t care anymore, and Phil felt the ground slide from beneath his feet as he longed to be anywhere but there. The counsellor, even though she seemed to be a nice woman, quickly grew noticeably tired of their shit. They were going to fuck this up for everybody; for themselves, but especially for Josie, and it was the opposite of everything Phil wanted.

He wasn’t going to passively watch everything go to hell again.

When he politely interrupted the counsellor, proposing a solution that would work for everybody, all eyes fell on him and the silence was thick enough to suffocate him.

***

They both kept their cool throughout the entire taxi ride to Phil’s house. They didn’t talk for the most part, except for Hazel repeatedly thanking Phil and apologizing to him for everything she did and didn’t do.

Everything Phil could force himself to say was “Okay.” Nothing about the situation seemed real.

The only thing that brought Phil some relief was a text from Dan he finally had a chance to reply to.

 **Dan:** good luck with the counselling! i’m sitting on pins on needles to know how it goes.

 **Phil:** It actually went well! Free tomorrow morning? I'll tell you the whole story.

 **Dan:** starbucks and a walk in the park and then maybe a nice lunch?

 **Phil:** It’s like you're reading my mind.

 **Dan:** i’ll be tuning in to your radio show tonight since i can’t see you

 **Phil:** You’re the best  <3

 **Dan:** <3

“So this Dan guy seems like a real deal, huh?”

Protectively, Phil locked his phone so Hazel couldn’t read anything else. “Why would you assume that?”

“Because as soon as your phone beeped your entire face just lit up like - like you were really happy.”

Phil couldn’t dwell on the tone of bitterness and longing in Hazel’s voice, because the car just pulled up in front of his house. As he dealt with paying for the ride and then dismissing the sitter, Hazel managed to run inside the house where she found Josie in the living room, playing Need for Speed on the Xbox, engulfed her in a tight hug and started crying into her hair.

“Mom? Is everything okay?” Josie asked hesitantly, her small hands clutching the controller.

“Yes. Yes, little bunny. I love you so much, you know?”

Josie looked straight at Phil, confusion and worry all over her face, delicately tapping Hazel’s hand in consolation, and Phil saw so much of himself in his daughter at that moment his heart did a little somersault.

“I love you too, mommy.”

***

After sending a “less than three” text to Phil, Dan dropped his phone into a pile of clothes on the floor next to the bathtub and immersed himself deeper in the bubbly water. His heart was heavy and the positive vibe he tried to keep up while texting Phil felt like a lie.

_Are you absolutely sure you’re good enough?_

Dan wasn’t.

He knew there was no such thing as being good enough for a relationship with a particular person. He knew he wasn’t Hazel, and Phil from seven years ago was probably quite a different person than the guy Dan knew. Dan was aware he shouldn’t let Hazel mess with his head, since she was obviously a very troubled person in more ways than one.

Dan knew all of that, and the logical part of his brain was yelling at him to stay in control. But the logical part of his brain wasn’t responsible for the tears welling up and just flowing freely into the bubbly water as Dan’s body kept shaking with sobs.

All Dan wanted from life was to hold onto something good, and to fall asleep in Phil’s arms tonight.

It seemed like he wouldn’t be getting either.

With that thought spinning in his mind, Dan let his entire body, head included, slip underwater.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seems like the story is nearing the end so tell me not only your thoughts about this chapter, but also your predictions for the ending!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one with a serious conversation, a thunderstorm and a stack of pancakes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [THE PLAYLIST](https://open.spotify.com/user/1168369167/playlist/7MGPM3nBrW6fGUQczPFTSe) still going strong.
> 
> Some incredible [ FANART ](http://imgur.com/a/DVxmd) by my favorite [Wednesday!](http://wednesdayangeline.tumblr.com/)

Dan knew about heartbreak.

It didn’t matter that he knew about it from high school and university, mostly. It didn’t matter that, in his experience, heartbreak lasted for a while and then was replaced by the feeling of detachment, isolation and scar tissue that made you close yourself off to showing any vulnerability ever again.

The realization you’ve stopped caring about something that used to be your entire world was one of Dan’s least favorite feelings.

Dan knew about heartbreak, but he knew about disappointment even better. He knew that bitter taste too well, too intimately, and was not interested in getting to know it any better.

When he saw Phil in the distance, expression neutral and then lighting up upon noticing Dan, Dan wished he could forget all about heartbreak. Forever. Wrap it all up neatly, tie it up in a ribbon of disappointments and send it away. Never ever touch it again. Never ever see it. 

Before Phil made it close, Dan said his goodbyes to all his hopes and dreams instead.

“Hey Dan.”

“Hey.” 

Phil leaned in for a kiss. Dan kept his lips drawn together. There was a rumble of thunder somewhere far away. The air was sticky with heat.

“Uh oh. What is it?” Phil asked, taking Dan’s hand immediately and swinging it in the air between them. If there has ever been any hesitation in Phil’s behavior towards Dan, it was all completely gone now, and Dan would’ve loved it, if only he wasn’t busy freaking out.

“Nothing. It’s nothing, let’s just get coffee, it’s not like we have time for…”

“No, Dan.” Phil placed a steady hand, the one that wasn’t already tangled with Dan’s, on Dan’s arm and looked him in the eyes, the bright blue of Phil’s eyes nearly painful. “Talk to me. Let’s make it our habit, alright? Communication. I can’t have it any other way. I’d rather have all the dirty laundry out in the open than live in blissful ignorance that later turns out not to be so blissful, so. Can you please-”

“Hazel came over to talk to me,” Dan blurted out, relief washing over him and making him close his eyes for a second. Fuck, it was good to talk. When he opened his eyes, Phil was still there, luckily, but he was not amused.

“Of course she fucking did. What did she say?”

“Just a story of, you know, how she left you because she felt like she wasn't good enough for you.”

“Oh, that’s what she tried to sell you? Alright.” Phil started pulling Dan through the park, their hands still joined and Dan just followed Phil’s angry steps hoping they will stop before the tempo gets him out of breath. “She failed to mention that she actually left to live a comfortable life of a trophy wife with a rich husband and no kids screaming for her attention in the middle of the night? She probably also failed to mention that the said husband is now dying of terminal cancer and that’s the only reason she even bothered to come here?”

“What?” Dan’s head was spinning. He really needed to sit down.

“She came here because he’s doing really badly and they want Josie to-”

“No, Phil. Wait. I’m sorry. Can we please slow down for a second?” This time, Dan was the one who pulled Phil towards a park bench and forced him to sit down, which Phil did, nervously adjusting his fringe. “Can you please tell me the story from the beginning? I’m so confused.”

Phil sighed. “I hate how my ex has become another character in our- in this. Us. The past should stay in the past. We can just forget all about it and move on? Get our coffee and feed ducks with seeds and make out a little? Sounds much better, right?”

“No.” Gently, Dan ran the top of his palm down the side of Phil’s face, touching the soft skin there. What he had with Phil seemed as fragile and fleeting as this very moment, gone another second. “No, I mean, yes, of course it sounds better, but no. You said it yourself, communication is key, so please talk to me. Tell me everything now and we don’t ever have to speak of it again. Ever. If that you and me thing is supposed to be, I don’t know, long term. Possibly. So please tell me.”

“Alright. Alright, okay. You’re right. Let’s… Let’s get the coffee first, okay? And maybe some cake? How do you feel about some cake, Dan?”

They got the coffee. And then they got another, because Phil’s story seemed to never end. There was a little laughter and some tears, but mostly just pain, tangled into a tale of first love shattered to pieces and replaced with disillusion, old wounds being scratched open and Dan was completely sure he never wanted to hear that story ever again. He already knew the culmination: Hazel’s husband dying of cancer. Sadness and grief.

“So, what did you settle at the family counselling session? Because you said it went well, right?”

“Oh. Oh, I didn’t tell you yet. We’ve settled, sort of. Josie’s school year finishes in two months, and then she will go to Chicago to spend the whole summer with Hazel. And then…” Phil looked away, suddenly very interested in a speck of dirt of Dan’s black jeans. They were currently standing on a small bridge, Dan clinging to his empty Starbucks cup and terrified that time was moving too fast and maybe even running out for them.

“And then what?”

“And then we'll see. Maybe she’ll stay with Hazel for a while longer, go to school there. But that’s very unlikely. Probably Hazel will move back here, to London, and we’ll share custody.”

“So… So this is your great compromise? Phil? How - what if Josie actually _stays there_? Would you be able to… how?” Dan slurred his words, too emotional. Phil’s great solution was not so great at all. Imagining Phil living without Josie, even if it was just for the summer, just seemed impossible.

“Don’t, Dan. It will be fine. She will come back, and it will all work out. I have a good feeling about this. I’ve had a lot of good feelings lately, actually.” Phil reached out for Dan’s hand, taking it into both of his and pressing it to his chest, somewhere over Phil’s heart. “Exclusively good feelings about you. And it would be a shame if something Hazel told you messed it up, you know.”

Thoughts were running through Dan’s head at the speed of light. Having heard the whole story, it felt like Phil ripped his own heart open and handed it to Dan, but… what for? What could Dan give in return?

“Well, whether Hazel lied or not, she still made some good points. You are way out of my league.” Dan looked everywhere but Phil's eyes.

“Excuse me?”

“Oh come on. You are practically a minor celebrity, you live in an actual house, you have raised a daughter all by yourself and you have basically made life your bitch, so… Out of my league, yeah, pretty much.”

“Dan. Oh my God, Dan. Do I need to, like, get you into a room and just hold you for ten hours straight so that you could get the message? You know what, actually fuck it.” Phil pulled Dan close, too close, so that there was almost no space left between them as they stood leaning against the bannister. “Out of _my_ league? I think it’s the other way around. With your looks and your lifestyle and your intelligence? Compared to you, I’m just second-hand, damaged goods.”

“Stop it. Now you’re just being stupid.” Dan said, his words coming out in a puff right next to Phil’s cheek.

“Maybe we’re both being stupid? Do you know how you make feel? I think you should have a general idea by now. You make me… I swear it’s not a lie when I say it’s the first time I want to do so many cliché things with someone. Like go to the beach and watch the sunset as we hold hands and then wait until it gets dark so we can stargaze. Or, like, go to Paris and put a love lock with our names on some bridge. Like…” A loud rumble of thunder interrupted Phil’s speech as Dan felt the first giant drops of rain fall on his arms and down his neck. “Like make out with you in the pouring rain.”

Dan was glad that it was raining. Maybe that way Phil wouldn’t see how much Dan was blushing. “It’s not pouring yet.”

“Guess we’ll have to wait.”

“Come on.” This time Dan was the one to pull Phil by the hand, wanting to be out of the park before the rain got them, but they didn’t really make it. The storm escalated so fast they were drenched before making it to the closest bus stop, not a living soul in sight, the two of them hiding beneath the little plastic roof as the rain banged against it.

Phil was giggling, exhilarated from their run while Dan heaved for every breath. “Jesus Christ. I think I’m gonna have a heart attack. I’m too unfit for this.” He leaned against Phil, soaked fabrics of their clothes sticking to each other.

“It’s okay,” Phil whispered in Dan’s ear, “I still like you.”

A kiss that followed was sweet and cute until it turned hungry, Dan able to feel each and every curve and angle of Phil’s body, wanting to feel it more, closer and better, deconstruct it, put it back together. Phil’s big hands were in Dan’s hair and a moan escaped Dan’s throat when Phil pulled away.

“As much as I’d love to stay and... do more of this with you, I need to take Hazel to the airport. We are supposed to leave in,” Phil fished his phone out of his pocket, “oh crap. Ten minutes. I have to run, Dan. Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. Go now,” Dan said, but his arms refused to let Phil go. “See you tomorrow after work, maybe?”

“Sounds good.” Another kiss sealed the deal before Phil left, jogging towards his street, and Dan was left staring through the pouring rain, alone with way too many thoughts. So that was how movie-like scenes ended in real life. A passionate makeout session didn't lead to the bedroom, making love in the candlelight and confessing each other's deepest feelings throughout the night. No; it lead to a quick goodbye, a kiss on the cheek and a promise to see each other tomorrow, and with cold water from your wet hair running down the back of your equally wet shirt.

As Phil's silhouette disappeared from the horizon, Dan smiled to himself and power-walked his way home.

*** 

“Hey Dad?”

“Yes, honey?”

“Mommy cried a lot this time around. Why?”

Phil sighed. He tried to concentrate on driving himself and Josie safely back home from the airport where they saw Hazel off, but he just had to turn for a second to look at his daughter in the backseat and check if she was sad. Luckily, she didn’t look sad, mostly just curious.

Having a smart child was a blessing and a curse. Mostly a curse, if Phil was being honest.

“Do you know what depression is, Josie?”

“A disease that makes you very sad.”

Phil chose his words carefully. “Well, basically, yes. Your mom has been going through some tough time. She is allowed to be sad right now.”

“Is that why she cried? Is that why she told me she loves me so often? She never did that before.”

There was a gas station to their right and Phil slowed down, turned the car and hit the brakes. Josie watched him, confused, as he got out of the driver’s seat, slammed the door, opened the back door and climbed to the back seat next to her. Then he pulled her in so she was seated in his lap.

“Your mom loves you no matter what, little bird. If she never said it before it’s because she can be forgetful and maybe even stupid sometimes, but she loves you the most in the world. You are the sun that lights up her world. And mine. I love you so much, do you know that?”

“Yes, daddy, of course I know. You tell me that two times a day, or even more.”

“Good. That’s how it should be.”

Josie extended her arms for a hug and Phil hugged her back, feeling immense relief and hoping that maybe, just maybe, everything will work out this time. They remained like that for a second before Josie stirred.

“If we’re at the gas station anyway, can you get me a hot dog? I’m hungry.”

***

It was early morning and Dan woke up hungry.

To his left, Phil was still sound asleep. They have drifted apart during the night, no longer curled together but their hands still joined, and Dan took some sweet time trying to untangle their fingers gently enough not to wake Phil up.

Phil slept with his black hair all over his face, strands moving up and down as he breathed. That was a completely insignificant detail, yet it gave Dan so much silly joy he couldn't contain, grinning to himself. He felt millions of lights light up inside of his body. He never even knew this feeling existed before.

Still hungry, Dan pulled on his boxers and Phil’s t-shirt abandoned on the floor and trotted downstairs to raid the fridge in peace.

_It would be good to also find Zelda_ , he thought, remembering how he showed up at Phil’s minutes before midnight, on a high from too many Red Bulls, having just finished writing a huge article, claiming that “It’s not a booty call, okay? I brought my dog.”

At half past seven in the morning on a Saturday, Dan expected to be the only soul awake in the Lester household. So when he heard a voice, he nearly had a heart attack.

“Hi Dan!” Josie spoke from where she was sitting cross-legged on the floor in the open glass door to the garden. The morning sunlight was dancing in her hair, making it look like copper wires, and an open book was resting on her lap. “I let Zelda out into the garden so she could run around. Hope that’s okay?” 

Zelda already ran up to greet Dan, pressing her little body to his legs, her fur slightly damp from the morning dew. “Of course it’s okay. Thanks.”

“No problem! I saw her sleeping down here, so I knew you were here too.”

“So I guess you don’t like sleeping in on Saturdays, huh?” Dan sat on the floor next to Josie, extending his legs into the garden to let them soak in the sun. Raiding the fridge could wait.

“I like it! I just wanted a glass of water. I was super quiet because I kinda forgot mommy’s not here anymore, sleeping on the couch, you know, but then I saw Zelda, and she saw me, and we just started playing and then we went to the garden and then I got tired and grabbed my book and… well. I’m not sleepy anymore now.”

“Maybe you're hungry then?” Dan asked, hopeful, his eyes following Zelda who ran back into the garden to chase a bug. “Because, to be honest with you, I’m starving.”

Josie grabbed her empty stomach with both hands and smiled at Dan. “A little bit…”

“How do you feel about pancakes, young lady?”

The grin that lit up Josie’s face was enough for an answer.

Dan didn’t feel weird about using Phil’s kitchen when he had Josie’s permission and help. They had a great time searching for ingredients and then mixing them up, dancing to pop songs on the radio and laughing way too much to be productive, but despite all odds a stack of pancakes was on the table half an hour later.

Josie was singing along to Katy Perry and Dan was cutting up some fruit when he heard what could only be Phil walking down the stairs. “Who told you guys you can have fun without me?”

Up until now Dan was sure Phil looked the prettiest while falling apart, eyes wide open, in a steely grip of uncontrollable pleasure, fresh bite marks down his chest, but maybe Dan was wrong. Maybe he looked the prettiest like this, with a messy bed head, his t-shirt riding up his side and a pillow print on his cheek.

Maybe he could be Dan’s, forever. In every shape and form. Maybe all of this could be Dan’s: waking up wrapped in the arms of his forever person, slow Saturday mornings making pancakes with Josie, their dog running around chasing bugs in the garden.

The reality of it all forced Dan to sit down.

“Morning, princess,” Phil greeted Josie with a kiss to her forehead, and then he moved on to Dan. “Morning, prince.” Instead of a forehead kiss, Dan was given one on the lips. 

If anybody else had given him such a cheesy line, Dan would burst into giggles and then probably punch them in the shoulder, but he was so into Phil he didn’t even entertain a possibility other than replying “Morning, prince” back and wrapping a quick arm around Phil’s waist. 

“Okay, can we eat now? I’m so curious to taste what you guys have made. Smelled so good it woke me up!”

Halfway through breakfast Dan identified the feeling that was lighting him up like thousands of fairy lights: it was bliss. From what Dan knew, bliss never lasted; by its definition, it was a powerful, yet temporary experience. But looking at Phil’s smile as he tasted the pancakes, ruffled Josie’s hair and then reached across the table to hold Dan’s hand, Dan decided he was okay with the temporality of things.

It was up to him to make the bliss happen all over again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave all your thoughts and feelings with me, as this is the end of the main story. 
> 
> Get ready for the epilogue! What do you want to see in it? The poll opens right now!


	10. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You are weathered and worn  
> Your petals soft and torn  
> The fading color  
> You have bent your shoulders  
> To hold the weight of the world  
> You will surely shatter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [THE PLAYLIST](https://open.spotify.com/user/1168369167/playlist/7MGPM3nBrW6fGUQczPFTSe) is here - if you haven't listened to it yet, this is possibly the best opportunity to catch up. I'm crazy proud of it.

The past three nights, Dan dreamt about his own funeral.

The dream kept evolving and this time it involved Hazel for some reason. She was dressed in her short black nightgown, her blonde waves of hair hairsprayed so well the wind didn’t dare to move them, her lipstick red and bright and she was standing right next to Dan’s mother.

“So what exactly did he do for a living? I don’t think he ever told me,” Hazel asked, not bothered by the fact Dan’s mom was crying, not bothered by chilly weather either, curiously looking around at Dan’s family, huddled around a hole in the ground in their black coats. “And believe me, I asked.”

Phil was nowhere to be seen.

Dan woke up with a shudder, a faint realization that someone was talking to him sending a shiver of fear down his spine.

“Dan? Are you awake?”

Dan sat up in bed, wiping the sweat off his forehead and trying to see anything in the darkness.

“Dan? Is everything okay?” Josie was in the doorway, lonely and small in her Moana t-shirt and sleep shorts, her skinny arms wrapped around a light blue pillow. “Are you awake? I can’t sleep.”

“No, I’m - I guess I had a bad dream. You wanna hang out, Jos?”

Josie hesitated. Dan tried to blink the sleepiness away, but he wasn’t doing too well.

“No, I’d rather just sleep,” the girl finally said, and Dan’s instincts finally kicked in. He moved to the side of the bed, making room for Phil’s daughter.

“Hop in then. It’s always better to suffer together than alone, right?”

“I guess.” Josie climbed into the bed, moving Phil’s pillow aside and placing her own one there. Zelda climbed in right after her, disturbed by the girl’s night wandering. The dog got so used to being around Josie she slept in the foot of her bed every single night, guarding her.

In the past four months of Dan half-living in Phil’s house, Josie never had any trouble sleeping. She was as self-sufficient as an eight-year-old could be, and kept her feelings mostly to herself.

“So, what happened in your dream?” she asked as soon as she was settled on Phil’s side of the bed, Dan having wrapped the duvet around her.

“Well, I di- let’s not talk about it, alright? It was just a dream.”

“Okay,” Josie answered in a small voice, closing her eyes and shuffling a couple of inches closer to Dan.

Without thinking much, he wrapped an arm around the girl. He felt Josie latch onto him, pressing her face into the fabric of Phil’s t-shirt Dan fell asleep in, a sob escaping her throat. She was crying.

A few months ago, Dan would have panicked. He would have been paralysed and unable to react in any way, much less a helpful one. Luckily, that Dan was in the past. The current Dan caressed Josie’s hair, letting her hold onto him, holding her back tightly.

“It’s okay. I miss him too, you know? That’s why I have bad dreams. But this is almost over.”

“Two… two and a half more nights…” Josie weeped.

“Two and a half more nights. But we already made it through two and a half now. We can do it, Jos.”

“Do you promise?”

The growing patch of wetness on Dan’s t-shirt made the fabric stick to his chest. He could feel his own tears searching for release, so he let them go, the drops falling into Josie’s hair.

“I promise. We’ll be just fine. Besides, everything seems scarier and more lonely when it’s dark outside. You’ll be much better in the morning.”

It took a long while for Josie to calm down. Dan listened to her quiet crying, continuously whispering encouragements into her ear, the night around them vast, endless and very much devoid of Phil. In the last few months, Dan has completely unlearned how to sleep alone, unsure how he ever got by without Phil in the first place, and loneliness brought along nothing but pain.

He listened to Josie’s breathing, becoming more even every passing minute. Having her around and being responsible for taking care of her was what kept Dan alive. He couldn’t just make a blanket fort and wait until Phil’s return; no, he had a small human and a dog that depended on him.

Josie was fast asleep way before Dan managed to drift off again, his thoughts revolving around a tiny box he kept hidden in a pocket of his winter coat, a box containing a simple silver band. Dan wondered how many bottles (not even glasses) of wine he would have to drink to even entertain the idea of ever giving it to Phil. It’s been four months. People didn’t do these things after four months, even if they were absolutely sure they met their other half two weeks into the relationship.

Dan met his other half. But did Phil?

Instead of dreaming about a funeral this time, Dan dreamt of a wedding in the pouring rain.

***

The alarm went off at half past six, Dan sitting upright in bed, still not used to getting up that early. Josie barely even stirred, pulling the duvet closer to her chest and ignoring the world, but Dan grabbed for his phone on the bedside table.

 **Dan:** how are you feeling?

 **Phil:** Like any other human being would feel on the day of a funeral. What am I supposed to say here?

Dan slapped his forehead with force. Of course. He was stupid to ask that question, it was so insensitive of him. Phil was in a difficult situation anyway, without Dan making it worse and all about himself.

Hazel’s husband died at the beginning of October in his hometown of Manchester, two weeks after having arrived to spend the rest of his time there. Of course Phil had to go to a funeral, but he said a firm “no” to bringing Josie over there too. “My eight-year-old child doesn’t need to be around death for any longer than she already was,” he told Hazel over the phone, thinking of how Josie spent the entire summer in America with her mother and her dying husband. Josie was going to stay with Dan and continue life as normal while Phil went up north, although they had to tell her everything. She took it reasonably well.

 **Dan:** sorry. of course. I’m so stupid. hang in there today

 **Phil:** No, I’m sorry. I just feel really shitty. Wait, I’ll call.

“Phil?”

“Hey, Dan. Just woke up?”

“Yeah. Josie and I - we kind of had a bad night. Couldn’t sleep. We don’t really want to leave the bed yet.” Dan gently shook Josie’s arm, trying to wake the girl up. “Jos? Your dad’s on the phone.”

“A bad night?” Phil asked, his voice laced with concern, and damn, Dan wanted to sink into his arms and hide from the entire world _so bad_.

“Uhm. But we’re fine.” Dan saw Josie rubbing at her eyes, making grabby hands at the phone, which Dan handed to her.

“Daddy! Do you know it’s only two more nights until you’re back?”

Dan half-heard Phil’s answer, a throaty laugh and something that made Josie grin like everything was okay with the world again. Quietly, he left them to their own devices and went to the bathroom for a quick shower.

When he returned, Josie was gone, probably halfway through getting dressed for school already, and Dan’s phone was resting on Phil’s pillow. He had one new message.

 **Phil:** I love you, stupid

***  

Phil’s return was unexpected. It was Friday afternoon and they didn’t expect him until Saturday morning. Dan dropped Josie off at Louise's (she came to really like both Dan's friend and her daughter Darcy) and then returned home to fix up some food, but someone was already in the kitchen, trying to cut veggies and stir pasta at the same time, all the while singing along to Bruno Mars on the radio.

It was like the sun came back after a very long winter. Like the currents of the sea returned to normal after a weird anomaly. Like the love of Dan’s life was finally back home after nearly a week of being away. For a minute, Dan just looked at Phil, feeling happiness bubble up inside of him again, the music too loud for Phil to hear any commotion.

Dan could spend his entire life like this. He wouldn’t complain, not a word.

When Phil finally noticed him, he put away the knife slowly and carefully, then turned off the stove as well.

They met halfway, no words needed when their hands grabbed for each other, a mess of limbs taking a while to form a proper hug, Phil throwing his arms around Dan’s neck and Dan wrapping his around Phil’s waist, pressing his face into the crook between Phil’s neck and collarbone, taking in the smell, dropping a kiss to Phil’s skin. Phil whispered something into Dan’s ear, something soft and warm Dan didn’t quite catch and then moved his face, inch by inch, dragging his lips along the line of Dan’s jaw until their mouths connected in a kiss.

Dan was sure he never missed anyone like that. He tried to spell all of his thoughts into the kiss, moving his tongue and biting down on Phil’s lower lip so that Phil would _remember_ , trying to burn this moment into the minds of both of them forever.

It took 5 minutes before they spoke.

“Now that we have dealt with this part,” Dan said, fingers resting against the soft material of Phil’s sweater while Phil played with Dan’s hair, “fuck you for leaving me.”

“I’m so sorry,” Phil replied, sounding like he really meant it, even though Dan didn't mean his original statement at all. There were things in life that mattered more than Dan’s selfish desire to keep Phil by his side at all times. Unfortunately.

“It’s fine. Of course it’s fine, Phil, it was an obvious joke, like, I mean I missed you so much I felt like I was dying and the sight of cereal in the morning made me cry, but hey, I am an adult and you might want to notice I am adult enough that I took good care of your daughter, too. She will tell you herself after we pick her up from Louise’s.”

“Stop rambling, Danny.” Phil kissed the top of Dan’s nose and pulled Dan towards the kitchen island. “Sit down and wait until I finish dinner, okay? I had something good going on here.”

“Sure.” Dan sat down by the island, watching Phil throw the cut up vegetables onto a frying pan. “Are you going to tell me how it all went?”

Phil flinched. “No.” He stood still for a second, his back turned, shoulders tense before he took a breath and let go. “I mean, not now, alright? I just want to enjoy being back for a while.”

“Of course.” Dan backtracked as he watched Phil move to the fridge to retrieve a bottle of white wine. It looked expensive, and neither Phil nor Dan could tell the taste of an expensive wine from a cheap, shitty one, so they never really bothered. Apparently tonight was different. “We can talk tomorrow. Or whenever you’re ready. It’s just - if you _need_ to talk to me, you know I’m here, right?"

Phil turned around, and Dan was disappointed to see a frown instead of a smile he expected half-consciously. “I know. Would you pour us the wine while I prepare the plates?”

Something was contrived and stiff about Phil’s behavior and it gave Dan jitters. He wanted everything to be okay; he was _not_ prepared for things to go to hell. Not yet. He struggled to open the wine bottle, his attempt hilarious and pathetic and Phil didn’t even turn to look at him, busy spicing up the vegetables on the pan and searching for plates. Finally Dan managed to complete his task, set two glasses and pour wine without getting it all over the table. Afterwards he just waited for Phil in silence, his palms becoming sweaty, remembering their kiss from what wasn’t more than 15 minutes ago and unsure if it was real in the first place.

_What went wrong?_

The food Phil served was unusually good. “Oh my God, Phil,” Dan spoke through a mouthful. “What is _in this_? Is it going to kill me? If so, I’m so ready to die. So good.”

“Asked my mom for a recipe,” Phil said, smiling, fidgeting in his chair, reaching behind himself to pull something out of a drawer. Dan couldn’t see the thing. He suddenly didn’t want to eat anymore, so he stared through his wine glass, admiring the distorted reality on the other side of it.

He didn’t notice when Phil left his chair and got on his knees next to Dan’s.

“What is going on?” Dan asked, confused, his body automatically turning to Phil, Phil laying one of his palms on Dan’s thigh and squeezing. Dan had a sudden urge to leap out of the chair and leave his skin behind.

“It’s, it’s just that being away from you made me think a lot, and it made me realize how stupid it is to wait for things to fall into place when you can _help them_ fall into place, you know? You are the thing that falls into place in my life.”

Dan wasn’t following. “What the _fuck_ are you talking about?”

Phil shook his head with a smile, looking at Dan fondly. He opened the palm of his right hand to reveal a small, elegant black box that held a simple silver band. It reflected the ceiling lights, like a cluster of stars, and it would have certainly taken Dan’s breath away, if only he was still breathing. “Daniel Howell, will you marry me?”

The first thing Dan did was actually leap out of his chair. Then he pushed past Phil, leaving him shocked and wide-eyed, and left the room.

***

Phil just remained where he was: kneeling on the kitchen floor with the engagement ring in an open box, blinking through shock and disappointment.

He spent the last couple of days daydreaming about this moment, just to escape the grim reality of funeral preparations and the actual funeral. He imagined a lot of ways this could go: Dan bursting into spontaneous tears, Phil projectile vomiting after asking the question, some natural disaster interrupting the moment; but none of the options included Dan storming out like he’s been burned.

Maybe Phil should have followed him out of the kitchen to wherever he went, but he just couldn’t, glued to his spot and forcing air into his lungs for a minute or two until he heard footsteps running down the stairway. Gently, he put the ring box on the floor, bracing himself for anything coming his way.

Dan was in the doorway, a shy smile on his face, both hands behind his back, and then he kneeled right next to Phil, their eyes on the same level. Dan’s were wet.

“You know what, I should hate you for having the guts to do this first. But I can’t really hate you. Ever. Because I love you.” Dan grinned. Maybe this wasn’t going to be a disaster after all. “So, marry me. Please?”

Dan pulled a small, dark blue box from behind his back, and opened it in front of Phil’s face.

It was a silver band with a gold strip running through the middle, and it made Phil’s actual heart stop for a second.

“You’re an idiot.” Phil used both hands to pull Dan in by his head and kiss him, messily, high on pure joy and excitement and love, Dan laughing into the kiss, almost toppling them both to the ground. “I can’t believe this. Give me my ring.” So impatient to have it on his finger, Phil nearly pried the ring from Dan’s shaky hands.

“No, wait, Phil. We need to do this properly. Again. Philip Michael Lester, will you marry me?” Dan’s voice broke on the last word, so endearing, and he looked into Phil’s eyes almost shyly. The mental image of Dan picking out the perfect ring, buying it and holding onto it for heaven knows how long, too stressed to go through with a proposal, made Phil finally break into tears.

“Yes. Yes, I will. Of course I will.”

The touch of metal on his finger was cold and comforting. When Phil looked up at Dan for the first time in their brand new world, Dan’s face was the most beautiful.

“Okay, now mine. Yes, I will, just to save you the trouble of asking again.”

Phil found the box on the ground and picked up Dan’s ring. His boyfriend was waiting already, his hand extended and the ring slid in, fitting perfectly. Phil sighed with relief.

They spent a few good seconds like that, each staring at their own ring in silence. Phil tried to sneakily wipe away his tears, but Dan caught him by the hand while he was doing that and pulled him so they were sitting on the floor, tangled in each other’s unreasonably long limbs. Dan then rested his hand on top of Phil’s, so that both of the rings were nicely presented, and snapped a photo with his phone.

“For Instagram?” Phil asked, cuddling into Dan’s side and looking over his arm, Dan already busy picking out the right filter.

“You got me all figured out.” Dan giggled. Phil watched him caption the photo: _He said yes. I said yes too._

“So, do I call you fiancé now? I mean, the word has a nice _ring_ to it, don’t you think?” Phil blinked aggressively, hoping Dan would appreciate the pun. Dan practically doubled over in laughter, snorting, flipping Phil off and then leaning in to kiss him on the cheek.

“Please warn me next time before you murder me with a pun.”

“Nope. Never have, never will.”

Dan’s fond smile turned into a worried frown as he extended his hand again to see his ring in the light. “But seriously, Phil. What do we _do_? I didn’t really think of a next step, I was too fixated on wondering whether you’ll agree or not. I think we have to decide on the wedding? Like, pick the date, the location, the silverware, the color of the flowers, the-”

“Or,” Phil cut in, gently pressing a finger to Dan’s lips to shush him, “We can not do all this yet. Maybe we can just go pick Josie up from Louise’s and share the good news with them? Sounds good enough?”

Phil knew sometimes Dan needed to be reminded to just enjoy life and live in the moment. Luckily, some of Phil’s words struck a chord with his boyfr- _fiancé_ , making him smile and leap to his feet, pulling Phil up with him.

“Let’s go then. You’re right. We’ll figure everything out along the way, right?”

“Of course we will.” Phil was sure of that.

Everything was falling into place just right.

***

Dan wasn’t one of _those_ people.

He wasn’t one to wake up in cold sweat in the middle of the night to check if his engagement ring was still on his finger, wasn’t one to frantically check if his partner sleeping next to him was still alive, wasn’t one to get up and check if his soon-to-be-step-daughter and his dog were alright and in one piece. He wasn’t one to constantly question his own happiness.

Well, most of the time he wasn’t. And sometimes, he had dreams of _Phil’s_ funeral.

Before Dan’s brain caught up with what his body was doing, he was violently shaking Phil awake, repeating his name over and over until Phil stirred and sat up in bed, alarmed and alert, looking around through the darkness.

“What? What is it? Fire? Aliens? A giant eagle?”

Dan was already conscious enough to feel ashamed of what he did, but he couldn’t help that his entire body was trembling. He weakly grabbed Phil by the arm and yanked him back down to the pillows. “It’s fine. No fire. Or aliens. No freaking eagles either.”

“What was it then?” Phil asked, curling around the side of Dan’s body. The sole physical presence of him, the warmth of his skin, the sound of his breath and a hand caressing Dan’s naked chest were already helping Dan calm down, but Phil could still feel Dan’s shivers. “Why are you shaking? Dan?”

“It’s nothing. I swear it’s nothing.”

“You can still tell me.”

“No, come on. It’s stupid.”

“Tell me.”

“No.”

“Dan.”

“Alright, alright.” Dan ran a hand through his hair, messing it up. “I had a dream that you were dead. I was in a flower shop picking out flowers for your funeral, instead for our wedding.”

“Wow,” Phil said.

“Yeah, wow. Not the kind of alternate reality I’d like to live in if I’m being honest.”

“It’s okay though, because I’m alive.” Phil’s hand slid from Dan’s chest to his hip, and the touch wasn’t so gentle anymore. “You wanna see how alive I am?”

It was the middle of the night, and Dan kinda sorta really wanted to see. “Mhm.”

Phil moved so his entire body was on top of Dan’s, pressing him into the mattress, and Dan could immediately feel just how _alive_ Phil was; he was hard. Now Dan’s heart was picking up the pace for all the different reasons than before, and it felt good. He was being kissed, slowly, thoroughly, Phil grinding into him at an equally torturous pace. Phil was being gentle, the entire thing half about just getting off and half about trying to calm Dan down by taking his mind off the immediate doom the world was heading towards.

It was good to be touched like that. It felt good to be loved, but sometimes love brought along a world of new fears.

“Dan,” Phil whispered into Dan’s ear, to which Dan replied in an undignified moan. “Dan. Can I come inside you?”

Dan needed the two layers of fabric separating their lower bodies to be removed immediately. His answer to Phil was another guttural moan.

“Tell me what you want.” Phil bit down on Dan’s earlobe and Dan has had absolutely enough.

“I want _you_ ”, he growled, grabbing for Phil’s shoulders and pushing for leverage so that they both rolled around and Phil was flat out on his back, eyes wide in shock, Dan yanking down his sleep shorts and then Phil’s before he straddled his fiancé.

He did not forget about the dream yet. The sheen of sweat was still stuck to his skin, a bitter taste on the back of his tongue. Subconsciously, he knew that this fear will never go away.

Consciously, he just wanted Phil now. He needed him.

The lube was in Dan’s bedside drawer, so he reached for it as fast as he could to make sure Phil doesn't fall asleep or get bored waiting. But Phil was still there, up and ready, helping Dan distribute the lube and then mercilessly placing his palm over Dan’s mouth when Dan lowered his body, Phil’s cock sinking deep into Dan.

The shiver that ran through Dan almost made him come then and there. He couldn’t help but release another long moan, Phil’s palm keeping in most of the noise.

“Shh,” Phil whispered, his hips rising and falling in a fast rhythm. “Shh. It’s late. You know I love when you’re being loud, but this is not a good time for that.”

The thing was, Phil was usually just as loud as Dan, but Dan was going to let it slide. He couldn’t speak anyway, with Phil’s palm over his mouth and Phil hitting the right spot repeatedly. Dan started stroking himself, trying to match the beat of his own heart, and their forever lasted only a couple of minutes.

“Dan,” Phil mumbled, the name coming out with a rushed exhale of breath. “Dan. Come here.”

How? Dan was already as close as possible. He didn’t understand until Phil moved his palm from Dan’s mouth to his neck and pulled, so that they were chest to chest and their mouths connected in a messy kiss as they both reached their climax.

Afterwards it was Dan doing all the cleaning, the only one who cared enough to not let them go back to sleep sticky and gross. Phil was just sprawled on his back, looking on and smiling suspiciously.

“You make me so happy, you know?” he said randomly, in a very Phil fashion but also in a voice that was much more tender than he allowed it to be in the daylight. “Everything about you makes me so ridiculously happy. Even your obsession with cleaning. It’s stupid.”

“Your mom’s stupid.”

“Shut up.” Phil laughed, Dan throwing away the used tissues and joining Phil beneath the covers. At this point, his bad dream was almost a memory, fading away quickly.

“Ready to go back to sleep now?” They were curled up together in comfort and warmth, Dan ignoring the nagging thoughts about the alarm set for 6:30 AM and deciding to kiss Phil’s forehead instead.

“I am. And Phil?”

"Mhm?"

"Thank you."

Phil brushed a stray curl off Dan's forehead. Ever since on their very first date Phil said he liked Dan's hair curly, Dan never touched the straightener. "Come on. Stop. You have no business thanking me for this. That's what we do. Right?"

Dan had absolutely no dreams for the rest of the night. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've been reading this story from the very beginning, leaving me kudos and comments, sharing ideas and listening to my playlist, I love you and I dedicate this to you. This is what a writer craves! I could not have imagined a better audience. #blessed
> 
> I wouldn't have written this without my friend Wednesday: her constant support, excitement and adorable fanart was what made me motivated and pumped to keep writing.
> 
> So, drop me a note if you enjoyed the story. Tell me why. Send me anon hate. If I should continue this in any way, also let me know!
> 
> (you can follow me on samrull.tumblr.com)

**Author's Note:**

> Talk to me!
> 
> Forever yours at samrull.tumblr.com.


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